Avenging Jack Murphy

Gwynn Numbers: Strikeout Minutiae

2012-01-30T05:30:00.000-08:00

The long walk back to the dugout after having swung a bat and missed -- abject failure personified.

I came across an interesting comment on strikeouts and batting title qualification yesterday morning. Naturally I thought of Tony Gwynn . . .

From Nick Cafardo of the Boston Globe:

From the Bill Chuck* files. “Over the last 10 seasons, only three players who qualified for the batting title have struck out fewer than 100 times each season: Ichiro Suzuki, Albert Pujols, and Damon (Johnny).

*This stat comes from a Nick Cafardo column but it is contributed by a guy named Bill Chuck.

When I think of Ichiro and Albert Pujols I think of great hitters, batting champions. Johnny Damon not so much. But this is not about batting championships. It's about guys who received the requisite number of plate appearances to qualify for a batting title (502), to do it for 10 straight seasons, and to have K'd less than a 100 times in each season. I thought it would have been a higher number of players but 'tis a rare thing to stay injury free for ten seasons.

Ichiro

Ichiro Suzuki is a contact hitter. There's no surprise that he is a part of this short list. In winning 2 batting titles during his 11 seasons, Ichiro has averaged 68 strikeouts per season with a low of 53 and a high of 86. For a slap hitter who controls the zone so well these numbers seem high. Despite only two batting titles Ichiro's flurry of 200* hit seasons have led him to a career .326 BA.

*This incredible run ended in 2011 when Ichiro took a nose-dive, collecting a mere 186 hits with a .272 BA.

Pujols

Albert Pujols is a power hitter. But he's also a great hitter. In winning 1 batting title during his 11 seasons, Albert has averaged 64 strikeouts per year with a low of 50 and a high of 93. The 93 Ks occurred during Pujols' rookie year and he hasn't been close to that figure since. Despite only 1 batting title Albert Pujols has a career .328 BA.

Idiot

Johnny Damon is some guy who claimed to be an idiot. His teams over the last 10 years have mostly been winners but he's never won a batting title. To date, Johnny Damon's career is significantly longer than Ichiro's (11) and Pujols' (11) as he has just finished his 17th year. In his 17 seasons Damon has averaged 72 strikeout per year but in his last three years (ages 35-39) he has averaged 93 Ks. Time is slowly catching up with Johnny Damon -- idiot. Johnny Damon once hit .327 during a season. Unfortunately it was only good for tenth place in 2000. He has a career .286 BA.

Clearly Johnny Damon is not in the same class of hitters as Ichiro Suzuki and Albert Pujols. We already knew this. But in living through what appears to be the Age of the Strikeout, Johnny Damon's relative consistency is noteworthy even though, as a lead-off hitter*, he really shouldn't strikeout that much. He should also be lauded for staying healthy, and in so doing, keeping himself on the field and in the line-up.

*In 1573 of Johnny Damon's 2426 games he has hit 1st in the batting order.

Which brings us to Tony Gwynn

Tony Gwynn is masterful. Batting crown discussions begin with the names of Cobb and Hornsby but often end with Gwynn. The man has a statue for crying-out-loud! We know all of this.

In his 20 year career Tony Gwynn averaged a God-like 22 strikeouts per year. His high was 40 Ks in 1988 when he squeaked out a batting title with a .313 BA. His lowest strikeout total (in a batting title qualifying year) was 15 in 1995 when he won his 6th batting title with a .368 BA.

What about the 1997 season when Gwynn started to synthesize all of his knowledge about hitting and stroked a career high 17 HRs? He still only struck out 28 times.

In the last ten years of Gwynn's career (1991-2011) the 1997 season was the only one in which he left the teens for strikeout totals, averaging only 16*.

*Due to injuries, Tony Gwynn only qualified for the batting title in 6 of those 11 seasons.

Tony Gwynn Could Hit So What's The Point?

I have to go back to Johnny Damon. He's 38 years old and entering his 18th season. He is a fit man so a couple of more seasons seems reasonable as he's managed to average 146 games per year over the last three seasons. If he can average the same number of hits (149 in 2010 and 2011) over the next two seasons then retire he would finish with 3021 hits for his career. Johnny Damon -- Idiot -- could find himself at the magical 3000 plateau which nearly ensures induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame*.

*Those in the 3000 hit club who are not in the HOF: Rafael Palmeiro (likely burned the bridge when he wagged finger at Congress and then tested positive for PEDs); Craig Biggio (eligible for HOF in 2013); Derek Jeter (Active. And a shoo-in). Oh yea . . . Pete Rose too.

Gwynn and Damon

Currently Johnny Damon has 2723 hits scattered across 10,693 plate appearances. Tony Gwynn finished with 3,141 hits in 10,232 PAs . . . which is 461 fewer PAs than Johnny Damon. If Johnny Damon gets to 3000 hits then it will have taken him roughly 1500 more plate appearances than it took Tony Gwynn to accomplish the mark. Clearly this discrepancy in PAs and Hits will account for Johnny Damon's low-.280ish BA at career's end.

A Gwynn comparison isn't fair to Johnny Damon. With 8 batting titles to his credit Tony Gwynn is the gold standard when it comes to hitting. It is how he is remembered. Consequently he is in Baseball's Hall of Fame.

When Johnny Damon retires with more than 3000 hits to his name I will remember him as follows: part of the 2004 Red Sox; a flimsy looking swing; a massive jaw-line; and a self-proclaimed idiot.

After the event takes place I'll likely nod my head in affirmation and make a weird face. And then I'll write something about Tony Gwynn. And then, other than to acknowledge he had a nice career, I won't think of Johnny Damon again.

19 Reasons: Corrupting Alexander Pope

2012-01-27T05:30:00.000-08:00

The introduction to 19 Reasons can be read here. Here's reason One and reason Two. And Three. And Four. And Five. Officially, this is Reason Six.

In 1734 Alexander Pope penned the following line in his poem An Essay On Man:

Hope springs eternal in the human breast;

The words intended to convey a sense of optimism for mankind -- an attempt to offer a rationale for God's plan. Enlightenment thinkers like Voltaire and Rousseau would later hold Pope's sentiments in high esteem.

It is on the shoulders of these giants, that baseball fans have stood, in trying to explain each April, how their teams surely could.

Sorry . . .

In the circles of Major League Baseball, Alexander Pope's words have become cliche.

We have corrupted the work of Pope, as we all do each and every spring. We fans of the have-nots in Major League Baseball: the Kansas Citys, the Pitsburghs, the . . . San Diegos. It is our attempt to rationalize following a team who has little chance to reach the heights we dream for it. But we turn out anyways because, as Pope says, "hope springs eternal."

This sense that Pope spoke of accompanied every Padres fan to PETCO Park on April 5th, 2011. Arriving home after taking the opening series in St. Louis (2-1) the Padres opened to a sell-out crowd against the 2010 Champion San Francisco Giants.

With Adrian Gonzalez gone fans tried to convince themselves that this edition of the San Diego team was more balanced than the one that played meaningful games until the 162nd game of the 2010 season. An attempt to rationalize? Regardless, it was our collective hope as fans.

We witnessed valuable contributions by newcomers, Aaron Harang, Jorge Cantu, Jason Bartlett, and Orlando Hudson. And 2010 holdovers, Ryan Ludwick and Chase Headley, stole away Madison Bumgarner's hope when they worked the young Giant for back-to-back walks on 18 total pitches.

At the end of that 3rd inning the Padres would hold a 3-1 lead over the defending champions and as the game progressed Padres fans sensed that the score would continue to idle.

The familiar troika of Gregerson, Adams, and Bell would come in to close out the game for a 3-1 win and on this day a pervasive feeling of hope sustained Padres fans.

As we took in the festivities, the pomp of a Padres home opener, we all held hope that things would continue to go well for the team. We smiled, enjoying the atmosphere and a defeat of the Giants. And we did it amongst friends.

The Padres record, like the opening day score, stood at 3-1 --- .750 baseball. And fans would never see the likes of it again in 2011. Spring doesn't last forever.

Ballast Point Brewing: The Padres and Pints Rapid Fire Poll

2012-01-26T05:30:00.000-08:00

Last week we met Geoff Young from Ducksnorts over at Ballast Point Brewing (see part 1 and part 2).

The last segment, comprising a rapid fire segment began with a 5 question warm-up. The responses did not require explanation. They were meant only to be quick, honest answers to get the brain moving.

These questions were specifically designed to get inside the mind of Geoff Young. While they were first posited to Geoff there's no reason you cannot challenge yourself too.

Begin . . .

The first question involves a prediction between a new arrival in San Diego this off-season and a hopeful arrival sometime in the near future. The players are not connected by age or ability but in name only. Which Padre property do you prefer in PETCO?

You are faced with the prospect of naming your first born boy and only to names are left on the table. Do not ask how or why. Such inquisition ruins the scenario. Which name do you choose?

You are watching a game and a player hits a weak blooper that falls between a converging CF and SS for a base-hit. Which is the better weak fly ball adjective?

Depending on how you answered the previous question, whose Ducksnorts / Texas-Leaguers do you prefer?

You're invited to a back-alley dust-up and you need someone to fight by your side. You get to choose 1 former Padre to be a part of the fray. One is a Vietnam veteran who starred in one of the greatest baseball brawls of all time. The other is trained in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Who do you choose?

Depending on how you answered the previous question who would you choose to have your back?

The answer to all questions is Joe Randa. Thanks for playing.

Over At The 'Fro: Padres And Pints Episode 2 (part 1)

2012-01-25T09:30:00.000-08:00

Last week we met at The El Cajon Brewing Company to talk with Padres beat-writer, Corey Brock. Enjoy part 1 of this episode in all its splendor* over at RJ'sFro.

*The volume/sound doesn't suck this time.

Padres and Pints Episode 2 Preview: El Cajon Brewing Company

2012-01-24T13:30:00.000-08:00

Last week we met with Corey Brock over at the new brewery in El Cajon -- appropriately called The El Cajon Brewing Company. The ECB is home to El Cajones IPA, a real fine beer. It is also the home of a nice quiet area amongst the barrels of beer, perfect for filming.

What did the Padres beat-writer for MLB have to say about Josh Byrnes' busy winter? Here's the preview to Episode 2:

19 Reasons: The Things We Carry

2012-01-24T05:30:00.000-08:00

The introduction to 19 Reasons can be read here. Here's reason One and reason Two. And Three. And Four. Officially, this is Reason Five.

It was 1987. Friends had hopped on a plane to visit their long lost friend in San Diego, California. We journeyed to the beach, zoo, and other notable points of interest discovered over my first year living here.

And then we went to a Padres game at Jack Murphy Stadium . . .

While sitting in batting practice my best friend Matt caught a ball. A real ball. Touched by big-leaguers. I was incredulous! Why not me! I put aside my bitterness, congratulated my friend, and took solace in the consolation that my day would come soon enough.

Twenty-four years later I finally got a ball.

The 2011 season was the one in which I finally left for home with a ball from a Padres game. The when, where, and how of this ball was a bit unique, and if we're speaking candidly, illegitimate [I wrote about it here]. I'm not about to apologize for this ball, it's mine. But I also thought it to be an omen of sorts -- perhaps a harbinger of balls to come during the season. I had one but I still wanted the thrill of catching a ball during a game.

My seats were good in 2011, perfect for caroming foul-balls. In the spring, I brought my friend Mark to a game. I erred when I gave him the seat closest to the aisle . . .

How could I have known? I was happy for him. With a gentle nudge, he decided to give the ball to the young girl sitting with her father behind us. Before the offering we did get this picture for posterity, though.

There would be another close call in 2011 where a ball ricocheted off a stairwell, flew over the person's shoulder in front and to the right of me, skinned off my left ring finger, and continued over the shoulder of Rick from RJ's Fro. There would be a mad scramble for the scuffed ball in the aisle behind us, but again nothing for me to claim.

I got one ball in 2011 (illegitimate as it may be) and fell short on a couple of other occasions as I did in 1987 with Matt. Getting a foul ball at a game would be a thrill (I imagine) but the more memorable part seems to be the recounting of the circumstances, who you were with during the moment, your friends. When it comes to baseball games those are the things we carry . . .

Over At The 'Fro: Padres and Pints Episode One: Part Two

2012-01-24T04:30:00.000-08:00

The much anticipated conclusion to episode one of Padres and Pints with Geoff Young at Ballast Point Brewery has arrived. In part two we talk about stuff. Pretty much baseball related. And then we try to be funny. Grab a beer and be the judge [Padres and Pints]

An Austin Hedges Thought

2012-01-23T09:30:00.000-08:00

In a lengthy column about a bunch of crap mostly related to the Boston Red Sox a statistical gem unearthed itself.

From Nick Cafardo of the Boston Globe:

From the Bill Chuck files: “Over the last four seasons, there have been four players with at least 1,000 at-bats who have cumulatively hit .220 or lower: Jeff Mathis (.193), Andruw Jones (.213), Jason Varitek (.218), and Kelly Shoppach (.220).’’

Since three of those guys are catchers I immediately thought of 2011 2nd round draft pick Austin Hedges -- the belief in his "once in a generation" defense but the questions about his bat.

Jeff Mathis, Jason Varitek, and Kelly Shoppach were also taken in either the 1st or 2nd rounds of the draft and made it to the Majors. None of them can hit. At all.

Jason Varitek deserves a pass because he's ancient whereas Mathis and Shoppach are relatively young. Kelly Shoppach is 31 but hasn't hit in three years. This is in starch contrast to Mathis -- who has never hit.

I prefer Hedges becoming Varitek. Maybe the captain of a World Series winner? In any case, I think we'll see Austin Hedges in San Diego if his glove is as advertised, for no other reason than Jeff Mathis' employment.

Happy thoughts for a Monday.

Gwynn Numbers: A Weird Angle To 1994

2012-01-23T05:00:00.000-08:00

I wanted to do some comparative player research but I've been derailed by Tony Gwynn's epic 1994 season. This post is not about WAR (Wins Above Replacement). But that's where it starts . . .

I wanted to compare Gwynn's highest WAR season to that of a player who shall remain nameless (maybe I'll look at him next week). I figured I would start with the strike shortened 1994 season, the year of the gaudy .394 AVG. Surprisingly*, at 3.4 WAR, 1994 was only Tony Gwynn's 8th best season according to Wins Above Replacement. Crazy, I know.

*Surprising to me anyway. The Gwynn seasons that always stand out to me are 1994 because of the run at .400 but also 1997 (5.2 WAR .372/.409/.547). In 1997, at age 37, Gwynn showed a slugging surge with career highs in HR (17) and RBI (119). This was the year Tony fully implemented the theories from his talks with Ted Williams at the 1992 All-Star game. I think Ted had yelled at him for not turning on inside pitches with authority. Something like that.

To look at Gwynn's highest season, again according to WAR, one look no further than 1987 where, at 8.1, he finished 8th in NL MVP* voting. In '87 Gwynn had a slash-line of .370/.447/.511 where he led the league in batting average and hits. His league leading hits included 13 triples.

*According to Baseball-Reference.com anything above 8 WAR is an MVP caliber season. Of course the Padres stunk in 1987 (65-97 finishing dead last in the 6 team NL West) and it would be straight-up crazy-talk to award the MVP to a guy on a crappy team. Andre Dawson won the MVP in '87 and the Cubs were pretty awesome that year.

But this post is not about WAR. I want to get back to the 1994 season and Gwynn's magical run at .400.

After 110 games the season came to an end and Gwynn led the league in hits (165) BA (.394) and OBP (.454). There was one more category in which Gwynn was the league leader at year's end. Any guesses?

If you guessed GDP (double plays grounded into) then you are a miserable sob who doesn't deserve to bask in the eternal glow of Mr. Padre's bronze statue at the top of the hill in the Park in the Park! But if that was your guess you are a miserable sob with some knowledge. Let's apply that knowledge!

With 20 GDP, Gwynn led the league in 1994. He hit into 20 double plays again the next year but it took him 20 more games to do it. But again, very surprised by this stat. Why so many GDP from a guy who nearly hit .400 for the season?

Gwynn was 34 in 1994 and based on this 1995 Fleer baseball card the weight around the waste is becoming evident.

In 1994 he no longer stole bases like he did from 1984-1989 when he averaged 34 swipes per season. He stole a scant 5 bases in 1994 but would follow it up with 17 in 1995. So we can't really say that his speed was entirely gone, although his knees were on their way. There's not necessarily a correlation between stolen bases and GDP, but I'm looking for an explanation of some sort.

What about injury? He did miss 7 games during the strike shortened season. After coming out during the 5th inning of the opener Tony missed the next 6 games. Could it have been a knee strain? Something that slowed him down enough to get doubled-up with greater frequency?

Where does Gwynn rank for GDP in his career? According to the Baseball Almanac Gwynn ranks 23rd all-time in GDP. If you look at the those ranked above him it's a pretty stellar list of Hall-of-Famers and other recognizable names. Of those ranking above Gwynn only the name of Clemente would I associate with any type of speed*, most of the honorees being more the lumbering type. The list also confirms that if you play long enough you're likely to be a part of a bad statistical measurement.

*This is a dubious claim. I never saw Clemente play and his career totals for stolen bases are paltry (6 per season). But when I think of Clemente I always think of that clip of him running the bases. He looked fast (see 5:12 of clip). Maybe it was just the effort with which he ran.

What about Ted Williams' GDP during his great 1941 campaign when he hit .406? Let's put it this way: Williams grounded into 21 double plays . . . if you combine his famous .406 season of '41 and his .388 year of 1957. Ted did have high seasons of GDP (22 in 1949 and 19 in 1958 at age 39) but in each of those years he hit .343 or below. Of course, Ted was more of a fly-ball hitter with that slight uppercut swing. So maybe it makes perfect sense that Ted Williams never had an overly high GDP total.

Tony Gwynn was not a flyball hitter. He plied his trade peppering the 5.5 hole between third and short and maybe that's where the answer lies. Tony Gwynn hit the ball on the screws and he hit it on the ground and he never did it more consistently than 1994.

At the premature end of the '94 season, Tony Gwynn led the league in GDP -- while hitting .394. And that distinction still blows me away.

The Padres and Cake (part 3): Indoctrination

2012-01-20T11:00:00.000-08:00

In Wednesday's The Padres and Cake (part 2): A Commode Story, I told you that my reasons for deceiving you were pure . . .

Our topic is indoctrination.

Properly indoctrinating young children is no easy task. You might think it so but the process is painstaking and endless. Are my little ones Padres fans? Sure. But to what degree? They know the name of Gwynn and that the Dodgers and Giants are not to be trusted but can they sit through a game, appreciating nuance, and ultimately stay with the team and the game forever?

'Tis a daunting task, this indoctrination business. I suggest beginning with something more simple. Something like music.

I don't believe in listening to kids music. There is a fine line between giving into a child's wants and completely selling your soul. Consequently, the moment you begin to purchase the aforementioned crap a part of you has died. But fear not -- kids don't really want that music anyway. You give it to them. And then they want it. End the cycle now.

The little Avengers like to dance so we turn on Time Warner's Music Choice channels. During the baseball season this event generally cuts into the top half of the 2nd inning. I am fine with this.

Against the wishes of Mrs. AJM, I do my best to avoid the kids channel and all dance stations. If dancing is to replace Padres on the television then it will occur to an alternative soundtrack (found on channels 916, 917, and 918). These are good stations. Modern alternative. The Clash, Police, etc. Remember, we're indoctrinating kids here. What do you want them to listen to? Make them want good music. Stop the cycle of delivering crappy music and you'll extinguish their desire for crappy music.

As the Padres game plays. Kids dance. Missing the second inning is an acceptable trade-off. The Music Choice channels, in addition to playing the soundtrack for our own personal Dance Party U.S.A., display rotating pictures and biographical information about the musicians. While the music plays, the Padres never fully leave the room because invariably, Cake begins to play.

When Cake plays, and the pictures cycle through, I don't see Cake's lead singer and guitarist John McCrea. I see Heath Bell.

The vast number of times I've had this thought forced me to create an odd narrative about a marketing opportunity for the Padres*. Carrying that narrative in my mind for the last 11 months nearly killed me and it was with great relief that I deposited segments here at AJM, in various parts this week. I feel like I can properly carry on my true work now: indoctrinating children into following a small market baseball team.

*The Padres and Cake (part 1): A Failed Marketing Campaign

Training children to be Padres fans and to listen to good music is not easy. And it never will be. You must thrust yourself into both propositions.

If the day comes that the little ones decide that baseball is not for them, and the little bonding session you once enjoyed over the game is sought elsewhere, there will surely be a reckoning in your world. If this day comes while driving the vocal majority will likely clamor for you to exchange the cacophonous tones of Ted Leitner for music on the FM dial. And if this is your fate you'll be forced to posit this question: Did I err when I chose not to attempt to indoctrinate the little ones into listening to my music?

Do not let it come to this. Baseball is no sure thing with humans*. But music is forever. Program them to listen to the good stuff. And do it now.

*But it should be. Alas, I do not make the rules.

19 Reasons: The Great Meme Contest of '11

2012-01-19T12:45:00.000-08:00

The introduction to 19 Reasons can be read here. Here's reason One and reason Two. And Three. Officially, this is Reason Four.

My dictionary doesn't have a proper definition for the word meme, at least in the context that we have come to know it during these days of the internet. As such I've decided to take a snippet from Wikepedia which is in fine working condition after their day off yesterday. I quoth:

The term "Internet meme" refers to a concept that spreads rapidly from person to person via the Internet, largely through Internet-based email, blogs, forums, Image-boards, social networking sites, instant messaging and video streaming sites such as Youtube.

When the Padres began to make their way down the proverbial drain in 2011, only one thing could deliver fans from eternal damnation: humor.

That humor often manifested itself in the form of clever little memes dispersed throughout the blogosphere. In creating and disseminating these memes, we fans of the San Diego Padres Baseball Club, were offered salvation . .

It began in February, when the drain was nothing more than an abstract concept in a far off distance . . .

Balls
Background

In 2011 Mat Latos signed three baseballs with the inscription, "I hate SF." An uproar ensued and a measured but proportional response was required by Padres fans across the globe. RJ's Fro stepped out from the shadows and provided a unanimous response in the form of . . . #balls.

Nearly every piece of Padre related Twitter discussion in February of 2011 found itself with the #balls hash-tag and it continued throughout the season especially when the Padres played the Giants or Latos was on the hill.

Practical Usage

The #balls meme is very versatile. There need be no discussion of baseball for it to be attached. In many ways it's the meme you want to use when you feel like you've been disrespected or perhaps under-appreciated. The fix is simple. Give your two cents, slap a #balls hash-tag on there, and you're good to go. Respect restored!

Example: I hate San Francisco Giants fans showing up to PETCO in their brand new World Series gear. #balls

The versatility of #balls is displayed when you want to illustrate that things just aren't going well for you.

Example: The Mrs. is going to be pissed. #balls.

Run with it . . .

Mow My Lawn
Background

In 2011 Orlando Hudson lost favor with fans as he criticized fans for booing and then condescendingly mocked fans for not being able to play the game past the high school level.

The feelings towards Hudson began to reach a fever-pitch when he nonchalantly tossed a ball into the stands and was later quoted as saying that he thought it was funny.

But the tipping point with the O-Dog occurred when an individual operating his verified Twitter account responded to criticism by telling an individual to come over and "cut his grass"

"Cut his grass" quickly morphed into "Mow My Lawn" and the rest is history. This particular meme produced endless hours of fun over Twitter. And it's still feeding a hungry Padre public today.

Practical Usage

You feel the need to "big-time" an individual or you desire to give the illusion that you are more favored in life than some other mope on the street. How do you accurately convey your contempt? Easy. You simply say, "Mow My Lawn". If on twitter, say your peace, and then add a hash-tag to the comment (#mowmylawn).

Example: Are the Padres gonna get a new second baseman in 2012. Who knows? #mowmylawn

Example: I am better than you. Ask your mom! #mowmylawn

The Cult of Jesus Guzman
Background

The Padres offensive output in 2011 was, in a word, offensive.

With the loss of Adrian Gonzalez the Padres offense slid dramatically and Padres fans were left with infinite questions.

Enter Jesus Guzman. Guzman did his best to energize an anemic offense by showing that there was a Padre who could indeed swing the stick. Jesus Guzman couldn't play defense a lick but who cares! He was so bad at first base I found it almost as equally entertaining as his hitting.

During Padres games in 2011 there was no shortage of memes centering around Jesus Guzman. Whether it was the reference to Guzman as a misfit toy (#misfittoycannon) by Craig Elsten at 619 Sports or the biblical references to Guzman's abilities (#jesussaves), all provide entertainment.

I always found myself partial to the idea that Padres fans had entered a cult. Jesus Guzman's hitting exploits (exaggerated as they may be) pushed fans to a very weird level. Jesus Guzman made me sense the imminence of a move to Africa, communal living, and endless supplies of kool-aid.

No matter what the exaggeration happened to be, I felt a deep sense of belonging with others in The Cult of Jesus Guzman (#cultofjesusguzman).

Practical Usage

This meme is pretty one-dimensional. Say something about Jesus Guzman and insert hash-tag. I am partial to saying something biblical so it reads as Jesus rather than Hay-Zeus, then adding a baseball exploit and following it up with the requisite hash-tag.

Of course, the next Padre who comes out of no where and hits the cover off the ball, might just have his exploits referenced as #TheCultOfJesusGuzman. With evolution one never knows.

Example: Sometimes Jesus turns water to wine. And sometimes he destroys PETCO Park. #TheCultOfJesusGuzman

Dickhats
Background

When the 2010 World Series champion San Francisco Giants visited San Diego for the Padres home opener, our neighbors from the north arrived ostentatiously. There were championship banners on display, commemorative patches adorning brand-new jerseys and no dearth of black dyed beards.

It was the 2010 World Series hat however, which brought Padres fans back from the ledge on opening day. For, while this hat showcased a Giants championship, the triumph was overwhelmed by the phallic symbol adorning the back of the hat. The San Francisco Giants and their fans surely had a championship . . . and it looked like a penis.

Practical Usage
In April everything related to the Giants became referenced with the hash-tag #dickhats. It is simultaneously an insult and a compliment. The insult stems from the decision by fans to wear a hat so poorly designed that the championship trophy looks . . . well, so un-trophy-like. The compliment is rooted in a collective desire for the Padres to finally win a championship. Ultimately we want #dickhats.

Example: Have fun with the Giants in town this week. PETCO will be overrun with idiots. #dickhats

Example: World Series appearance in 1984. World Series appearance in 1998. 2012 . . . #dickhats

Of these 2011 memes which did you enjoy most?

There are surely a fair number of memes I have not included in this post. My apologies. These were merely the four that originated in 2011 which I used with the greatest frequency. Feel free to deposit your favorite in the comment section if I missed it.

Let the humor continue to flow in 2012

Thomas Jefferson and Breakfasttown

2012-01-18T13:30:00.000-08:00

I'll begin with a bit of honesty. You don't want to read this.

It's not really about Thomas Jefferson and limited constitutional government. It's not even about Breakfasttown, per se. If I was going to list people who would have the slightest interest in this non-sense, I'd cap it at about five people. Five Padres fans*. And I don't even think they would care.

Yet I must write about this experience . . .

I went to Washington D.C. last year. On day one we drove down to Thomas Jefferson's home, Monticello. An amazing property. Historic. Anyways, I was with a group. I decided to wear a shirt that represented where I was from and also stood out amongst a sea of people. I went with a Gaslamp Ball creation: Welcome to Breakfasttown USA:

Bright. Beautiful. Breakfasttown. Glorious.

So imagine my delight as I worked my way through a tour of Jefferson's Monticello only to find myself in his dining room where I literally disappeared . . .

Look at those Chrome Yellow walls! I stood against the wall and looked like a floating head.

While my smile stretched ear to ear, deep inside me resided a reservoir of pain. With a strict no photograph policy inside of the home I could not properly capture the glory of Breakfasttown's rendezvous with Thomas Jefferson. Instead I settled for a likeness from the historic site's web page.

My pain also extended from the knowledge that at that exact moment the San Diego Padres were taking batting practice in Washington D.C. preparing to face the Nationals in a three game series. I didn't see one of the games . . .

C'est la vie, as they say.

Thomas Jefferson, who held the French in high esteem, would likely agree.

* The five people who might give a hoot are those who have bought Breakfasttown t-shirts. I don't even know what the number is up to these days but I cannot imagine anyone outside of the t-shirt owning minority to care about this. And even then . . .

The Padres and Cake (part 2): A Commode Story

2012-01-18T05:30:00.000-08:00

"Now the things you gotta remember are the details. It's the details that sell your story."
~ Reservoir Dogs (1992)

From the mind of Quentin Tarantino came the above piece of dialogue. Created for a character named Detective Holdaway of the L.A.P.D, the line was spoken to fellow detective Freddy Newandyke. Viewers of the critically acclaimed film came to know Freddy as . . . Mr. Orange.

To do undercover work Freddy needed a story to recite if ever interrogated by a criminal element. A story so detailed, there would be little doubt he was part of a world of crime. A story that would keep him alive. A Commode Story was born.

Holdaway gave the future Mr. Orange a script for an amusing story that happened while working a job. He told him to commit the structure of the story to memory and fill in the gaps with color. Convincing color. The finished anecdote described a run-in with four L.A. Sheriffs in a filthy airport restroom. The precision of the Commode story allowed Freddy to work for Joe Cabot during a Jewelry heist . . . as Mr. Orange.

When I wrote The Padres and Cake: A failed Marketing Campaign it would be best described as a derivative of the above Reservoir Dogs scene. This is to say that it was extremely detailed and wholly untrue.

From the new slogan (Going The Distance) and a concert by Cake at the Park in the Park honoring the 15 year anniversary of the 1996 NL West Champion Padres, all were part of an apocryphal tale.

People simply read the post. Some voted in the poll about whether the idea was good, however the veracity of my claim was never questioned.This could probably be attributed to the painstaking detail, my own personal Commode Story. That and Heath Bell looks a lot Cake's John McCrea.

The details were paramount but I knew I needed more. Before I hit Publish Post I stood up, looked in the mirror and had a moment. A moment with myself. And I said, "You're fuckin' Beretta. They believe every fuckin' word. Cuz you're super cool."

I am sorry to have deceived you. But I was not without reason . . .

Over At The 'Fro: Padres and Pints Episode One: Part One

2012-01-17T09:30:00.000-08:00

Last week the guys from RJ's Fro and I got together with Geoff Young (Ducksnorts and Baseball Prospectus) to talk baseball and beer. We met at Ballast Point Brewing and Spirits in Scripps Ranch, where we received some background on the best selling craft beer in San Diego.

From there we discussed the local media's influence (or lack thereof) and the message Padres management is attempting to send to fans.

It was a fantastic time. Check out Episode 1: Part 1, over at RJ's Fro.

19 Reasons: I Got A Bat

2012-01-17T05:30:00.000-08:00

The introduction to 19 Reasons can be read here. Here's reason One and reason Two. Officially, this is Reason Three.

Just as I had never attended Spring Training prior to 2011, Fanfest had also flown off my radar. After the 2011 Padres Fanfest I'm at a loss for why I had never attended. On a beautiful February afternoon . . .

I was stuck in the shade for the better part of the day!

Rick and Beau of RJ's Fro set up a booth in what can only be described as the rough equivalent of their mother's basement: the shaded concourse down the left field line at PETCO Park. Next to the Friarhood, the new Tucson Padres AAA affiliate, and La Poderosa (Flagship station of the San Diego Padres Spanish broadcast), we spent the day talking to Padres fans who were ready for a long and bitter off-season to finally end.

I met great people for the first time; Jordan and Jerrah from Bring Back The Brown; Geoff Young of Ducksnorts. And I continued to reinforce friendships I began during the 2010 season. In many ways this encapsulates what would become a 71-91 2011 season; being with friends and making new ones.

While we held down the fort at the 'Fro booth, a friend named Matt (@matthewverygood on twitter) was gracious enough to grab me a bat from the Padres Garage Sale. I told him to surprise me . . . and surprise me he did (insert Yoda voice). He returned with a bat autographed by the Duke* of Scrapiness, 2000 Padres stalwart Eric Owens. Ironically the only other autographed bat I own is one by Mark Kotsay . . . the guy for whom he was traded** in 2001.

*The King of Scrapiness is David Eckstein. Like you needed to be reminded.
** Matt Clement was also a part of that trade. Remember him? So long ago.

At the end of the day I got myself over to the Garage Sale where I picked up a Mark Merila jersey and a few other cool things. Because life is about the accumulation of stuff, the Garage sale alone is worth attending.

In the end I didn't fully take advantage of what Fanfest had to offer; sun; the on-field experience; the opportunities to mingle with players. But I will do those things at the 2012 Fanfest.

And I will likely add a Darrel Akerfelds jersey to the wardrobe. . .

The Padres and Cake (part 1): A Failed Marketing Campaign

2012-01-16T06:30:00.000-08:00

During the Kevin Towers administration under Sandy Alderson I had a source in the Padres front office. I also had a source during the Jed Hoyer Era. To call them sources would probably be inaccurate. A source is a person with whom a trusting relationship has been cultivated whereas I just happened to know someone with organizational ties who I could bug for a little information.

I'm not a news breaker or anything so I rarely ever wrote about what my sources shared. But now with a change in administration I feel as though Deep Throat has passed away, moving on to a better place.

And so I share the following Padres Marketing plan from 2011 . . .

Buoyed by the mantra "Believe", the 2010 San Diego Padres went on one of the most improbable runs in recent memory. As Padres fans continued to believe throughout the summer the team went into a 10 game swoon in late August and never fully recovered, ultimately losing the NL West in game 162 to eventual World Series winners, the San Francisco Giants. The Padres lost yet somehow fans still Believed. It was a winning slogan.

Moving into the 2011 season the Padres marketing department needed a slogan that could build on both the notion of Belief but also cater to the idea that 2010 was not a fluke and that there was more that needed to be accomplished.

Padres marketing mavens presented the following: 2011 San Diego Padres: Going The Distance

This new concept would borrow from the band Cake's 1996 breakout hit "The Distance".

Inspired by the uncanny resemblance between Cake's John McCrea and Padres closer Heath Bell executives looked to directly incorporate this coincidence into the marketing plans for the 2011 Padres.

The Going The Distance slogan spoke to the concept of redemption, something that could spur fans to carry-over their support from 2010 while simultaneously pulling-in any disenfranchised fans through the use of a catchy pop-rock tune.

There was also the symbolism of 1996 that the marketing team wanted to utilize. With Cake's song from 1996 being played in heavy rotation at the park the Padres could use it as a springboard for recognizing the 15 year anniversary of the 1996 NL West Champion team. While the '84 and '98 teams get regular recognition the '96 team is often forgotten. But in the proper context '96 was a necessary catalyst for the 1998 team's birth which ultimately lead to the construction of PETCO Park. 1996 was finally going to get its proper time in the sun.

Going The Distance would replace Believe as the primary Padres slogan and fans would receive a heavy dose of Cake's song when the Padres took the field in the top of the first and also after wins, replacing Macy Gray's Beauty In The World.

Part of this marketing ploy would also include a concert in the park during the summer of 2011 featuring Cake. During this concert the resemblance of Heath Bell and John McCrea would be played-up when Bell joined McCrea and Cake on stage.

The idea seemed rather brilliant. It was brought to upper management in late 2010.

I understand that it was considered but ultimately rejected at the end of the first week in December of 2010. This date represented the trade of Adrian Gonzalez and what appeared to be a massive overhaul of the overachieving 2010 squad. The Padres would be retooling in 2011 and the promotion of playoff aspirations by a team that would be clearly less than the sum of their parts seemed like a disingenuous message to sell to fans.

There was also the complication of Heath Bell himself. Scheduled to be a free-agent at the end of 2011 the likelihood of him remaining a Padre past the July 31st trade deadline did not seem plausible. Centering a marketing campaign around the resemblance of Bell and McCrea would be catastrophic if Bell were traded at the deadline. This issue was ultimately of less concern as the front office did not project the Padres to compete during the 2011 season and Going The Distance seemed too far fetched of an idea.

The plan was scrapped. The tentative appearance by Cake was cancelled and Dierks Bentley played the August 20th, 2011 concert at the Park in the Park.

The idea was creative. The idea was fun. The idea, in hindsight, was an impossibility. The San Diego Padres as constructed at that time would have been far too big of a gamble for such a marketing scheme. Going The Distance was too ambitious. Or was it?

What do you think?

Deciphering a Jed Hoyer and Darren Smith Conversation

2012-01-13T13:30:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Darren Smith invited Jed Hoyer to appear on XX1090 to discuss an array of topics. As I listened to the former Padres GM answer Darren's questions a concurrent dialogue played in my mind. This dialogue consisted of what Jed Hoyer was really thinking as he presented politically correct answers to his interviewer.

Jed's approach, of playing things close to the vest, makes sense. Conveying the wrong ideas can only serve to damage future negotiations.

Fortunately for you, I know what he really meant . . .

The first 4 minutes dealt with Chicago winters versus that of San Diego. This introduction was rife with fascinating psychological undertones, but in the interest of keeping things brief, we'll move it along.

[The Move to Chicago]

"It's a fairly easy transition here with Theo and Jason."
We were on a float yesterday afternoon singing Wayne Newton's version of Danke Schoen. It was sweet. I hate Josh Byrnes.

[The Andrew Cashner for Anthony Rizzo Trade]

"Cashner is a really good young pitcher. We think he has a chance to be a dominant relief pitcher."
Please! I invented the ol', "I'll give you a reliever for an everyday player every day of the week and twice on Sundays" trade last year when we got Cameron Maybin. Did Josh Byrnes learn nothing in his time under me?

"I know Anthony struggled last year in his brief call-up but lots of players have struggled in the beginning of their career."
Just look at Kevin Kouzmanoff. In 2007 the guy hit like .081 over two months before he turned it on and look at where he is now. And . . . Brad Hawpe and Jorge Cantu can eat a bag of d*cks.

"The Padres got a really good player [Cashner] as well."
When Cameron Maybin arrived in San Diego I'm pretty sure I said the same thing about outgoing Ryan Webb. And I just laughed about Edward Mujica. If I was in studio I'd throw the mic down and walk out!

"I kind of blame myself. He [Rizzo] got rushed, um. The plan all along last year was to let him play in triple A all year. Be a September call-up and maybe be ready for the beginning of 2012."
I am the fall guy for Motherfu*king Brad Hawpe! G*d DAMN Jorge Cantu! Seriously, bag of d*cks for those two! And Anthony Rizzo completes me.

"We weren't getting any production out of first base."
You're killing me Darren. I can no longer bear to talk about Motherf*cking Brad Hawpe! G*d DAMN Jorge Cantu. Wait. Should I be thanking those two? They did allow me to pick-up Rizzo at a substantial discount. Hey! Brad and Jorge!

[What did the Padres get in Andrew Cashner?]

"They got a great arm. He's got a great pitcher's frame. He's got a great arm. I think the debate around him surrounds what role."
If I say that he's got a great arm one more time, San Diego will be on to me. Play it cool, Jed. Play it cool. Popsicle. Popsicle. Now change the subject.

"The determination here was that he's probably a dominant late inning reliever."
He's like a rich man's Edward Mujica. Or a poor man's Mike Adams. Stop it , Jed. Play it cool. You're f*cking Fonzie. Be cool.

"There was obviously some question marks about his ability to start."
Did I say question marks? I meant exclamation points! God it's cold in Chicago.

[Carlos Zambrano to the Marlins]

"Sending Carlos Zambrano to Miami was something we thought was the right thing to do."
I dupe the franchise stationed in Miami. It's. What. I. Do. I need a mic, cuz I gots to throw it down! Lake Michigan has a beach. That people actually go to. Just not now. Weird.

"He's just apologized to his teammates one too many times. He'd worn out his welcome."
Carlos Zambrano is a fat idiot. Relatively speaking, Mexican food in Chicago is substandard. I miss long walks to Lolita's taco shop.

[On the Padres off-season]

"Mat Latos is immensely talented and it's hard to give up a guy with four years of control like that."
I Look forward to him throwing a ball through the sunroof of my car. Wait do I even need a car? Chicago has great public transportation. Josh Byrnes has my old office; dick.

"Candidly I was a little bit jealous when they acquired Quentin because I think there was a little extra money in the budget that I didn't have when I was there."
Josh Byrnes. Dick! Jeff Moorad. Cheapskate! I'd complain about Ryan Ludwick but who cares? Who's the GM of the Cubs now? I got my dream job. Theo completes me. Deep dish pizza puzzles me. It's heavy. I'm not ready to go back to Gino's East.

[On Broncos versus Patriots this weekend]

"Tell Marty I'll take a picture of myself Tebowing in Wrigley Field if the Patriots don't win that game."
This is Chicago where a World Series hasn't been won by the Cubs since 1908. We don't believe in God here. Patriots in a blowout!

19 Reasons: Let's talk about #balls

2012-01-13T09:30:00.000-08:00

Right before the start of the 2011 season San Diego Padres pitcher Mat Latos signed three baseballs, to be auctioned off for charity. He signed them, "I Hate SF!"

It. Was. Awesome! Then San Francisco Giants fans completely melted down over the whole affair and it became even more awesome. 'Twas our own personal nirvana.

The #balls affair was an epic prelude to a season which, unfortunately, failed to deliver. Mat Latos missed the opening series against San Francisco and a lifetime passed before his spot in the rotation matched up with the Giants. By the time a showdown did occur reality had set in. The 2011 Padres were not a good team and any illusions of contending for the division had long since passed. But boy did the #balls episode kick things off right.

RJ's Fro made t-shirts to commemorate the dust-up, emblazoned with what had become the rallying cry of Padres fans on twitter: #balls. One simple word that continued to pop up through out the season. But what made #balls so great was that it brought fans together -- Padres fans still suffering from a bitter 2010 late-season collapse to the Giants. Amazingly, #balls became the catharsis I needed as a fan of the Padres.

I also loved that the cute little Padres who never make headlines suddenly had a player that others hated. Not just because he spoke his mind but because he was really good. And could make you look stupid with bat in hand.

Little pissing contests, like the "I Hate SF" #balls story, help to build great rivalries. The Padres and the NL West will miss Mat Latos. Though it pains me to say it, I'll miss former Giants pitcher Jonathan Sanchez, and all the crap he talked. I loved hating that guy. And I'll venture a guess that Giants fans might say the same about Mat Latos.

I'll miss the guy too. I always felt like something big might happen each time he took the hill. Best of luck to him in Cincinnati where I hope he wastes no time signing a few baseballs, "I Hate St.L!"

This all begs the question: With Mat Latos gone have our #balls gone with him?

I'd like to think that the spirit of #balls will continue. An us-against-them type of irreverence that is essential for teams like the Padres who attempt to do battle on very uneven terrain. For success in such a rough and tumble world one needs #balls.

#balls

Padres and Pints: An Rj's Fro and AJM Joint

2012-01-13T04:30:00.000-08:00

The proprietor of weird ideas here at AJM and the fellas over at RJ's Fro have teamed up to bring, what can only be described as, the best of both worlds. Our worlds of baseball and beer are now colliding.

Craft brewing is thriving in San Diego. In fact, it's one of the few things San Diego is doing well at all right now. What better way to celebrate this success than to pair it with one of our favorite things: the Padres.

On a semi-regular-ish basis the 'Fro and I will choose someone (first guest -- Geoff Young of Ducksnorts and Baseball Prospectus) and we will meet-up somewhere (first stop -- Ballast Point Brewing). I don't think I could have described that any better. Check out a preview . . .

Part 2: Andrew Cashner and A Trip In The Way-Back Machine

2012-01-12T13:30:00.000-08:00

Your dis-ease has returned and you can no longer bear another minute in a period with such darkness. It is now official; February 24th, 2009 is dead to you and you want out. Fortunately I can help.

I shall whisk you away from the flotsam and jetsam of early aught-nine and deposit you in the year 2010. The date is February 23rd.

Most of the nation is consumed with the release of Nurse Jackie: Season 1 on Blue Ray and the Groove Armada's newest album, but not you . . .

Baseball America has just published their 2010 Prospect Handbook. You liked what Jim Callis had to say in 2009 but your senses are slowly returning and you know that Prospects rarely remain static. They're either growing or dying. Your curiosity has gotten the better of you.

Andrew Cashner, as of February 23rd, 2010, is no longer the third rated prospect in the Cubs system. He has plummeted to . . . 4th.

At first you believe this to be a net loss for the prospect but then you see who has hopped in front of him. There's the youngster, Starlin Castro, who has vaulted to 1st and a ridiculously good looking outfielder out of Cal-Berkeley named Brett Jackson who has assumed the 2nd spot on the list*.

*Former #1 Josh Vitters is now the 3rd rated prospect in the Cubs system.

You know their names as they are familiar in a time we refer to as the present. Castro is the Cubs starting shortstop and Jackson is the guy who every mope on the street clamors for when trades concerning Chicago are discussed. You think about it and determine that perhaps this particular slot for Cashner is not so bad. But you need more . . .

It's a calendar year later. What doe Jim Callis have to say on this go-around? You hear more of the same. Cashner's TCU lineage, a signing bonus, his pitcher's frame, and his proclivity for cooking his own unique style of Texas BBQ*, all make for repeat reading material in 2010 as well.

*The Way-Back machine often messes with interpretations of data. This is likely a false assumption based on Cashner's alma mater.

It is then that Callis starts working your mind, putting on the hard sell. He writes:

With his frame and power stuff, Cashner is reminiscent of Kerry Wood. His fastball sits at 92-95 mph and touches 98 when he starts, and he has operated in the upper 90s as a reliever.

You are so excited by this comparison that you temporarily forget about the eventual injury patterns that emerge with Wood. The Wood comparison also derails you to the point where you can't even make sense of the words that follow:

His delivery is sound ~~but~~ ~~not~~ fluid, ~~and he often battles~~ command

You only read the positives out of the scouting buzz-words and you continue on your search for items that will help you reconcile why the Padres traded away Anthony Rizzo:

Whether he's a frontline starter or a closer, Cashner should be a big part of Chicago's future.

But it's not Chicago's future. It's San Diego's future! Relief overcomes you. Wasn't 2010 what you were looking for all along?

So you kick up your feet and try to figure out how Jackie will juggle the trials of a nursing career and the tribulations of her own challenging personal life. Life is once again, good.

Where Joe Posnanski Mentions Tony Gwynn

2012-01-12T09:30:00.000-08:00

I came across* an extremely long post by Joe Posnanski yesterday, called A Long Hall of Fame Review. A curiously long post as Joe might say. It was so long I still haven't finished it. But the gist was Hall of Fame voting . . .

Pos went back and examined every Hall of Fame vote since 1966. He was basically trying to find a predictor for Jack Morris and whether he was likely to make it into the HOF based on the high percentage of votes he received this year (66.7%) and will need next year (75% for entrance).

He does this cool exercise where he creates all star teams from guys who only survived on the ballot for one year and another team for guys who were on for a couple years. And he argues that these teams would actually destroy teams comprised of the lowest tiered players who did make it into the Hall of Fame.

It was very cool. I only stopped because I came upon this gem:

One thing I have come to believe is that unless a player is a slam-dunk choice like Frank Robinson or Tony Gwynn, the rest of the ballot matters a lot. I don’t think that a player has to be the best choice on the ballot. But I do think that he has to be the best choice IN HIS CATEGORY on the ballot.

In a time where so much talk centers around who is really a Hall of Famer, do they pass the eyeball test or what is it that their statistics really say about them, it is warming to the soul to see that the Sports Writer of The Year acknowledges Tony Gwynn as a slam dunk choice as a HOFer. And perhaps it is equally gratifying to see Tony, as a singles hitter, mentioned in the same sentence as a slugger like Frank Robinson.

In a sad way it often feels like Tony Gwynn is the only thing a Padre fan can really hang their hat. And somehow, because it is Tony, I'm perfectly fine with that distinction.

*(h/t Hardball Talk)

19 Reasons: A Trip To Peoria For Spring Training

2012-01-12T05:30:00.000-08:00

I mentioned on Monday that, even though the Padres finished a miserable 71-91, there were still 19 reasons the 2011 Padres season provided something great for fans.

I'm not ready to say that the whole was greater than the sum of these 19 parts because that would indicate insanity. Which I am not (hopefully). And that I don't care about winning. Which I do (most certainly). There were moments, though. And for me they were memorable.

One
I shall begin with Spring Training. Is that cheating? On account of people currently counting down the days until Pitchers and Catchers report, I would say that technically Spring Training marks day 1 of the season. And so this is where it all began . . .
This last season marked my first trip to spring training. Ever. I've done a fair number of sport trips but a visit to Arizona in February or March had eluded me. The trip was worth it . . .

Press Box Credentials
Befriending Rick and Beau from RJ's Fro led to this privileged experience. It was difficult to watch the Padres' first game of the year and not cheer while sitting in press row so I did the next best thing; I fired off 76 tweets during the game. I have no idea how to access these ancient aphorisms but I assure you they exist. It made for a fun filled day of comedy as we watched game 1 of 2011.

***
Game one was against the Mariners and the massive Japanese press corps was there for Ichiro's first hacks of spring. It was awesome. Ichiro is like the Beatles. If not the entire quartet at least Paul or John*.

*I'm a George Harrison guy.

***
I got to meet Dan Hayes of the North County Times and Corey Brock of MLB.com. Cool guys, both of 'em.

***
Rick and Beau duped me into thinking the food was free for those in the Press Box. So I started filling up the plate. I had committed to too much food on the plate when we found out there would be a cost. Rick and Beau bolted and I continued heaping food on to the plate. Up next to me walks the bronzed Ted Leitner. He looks at the tray of chicken and says, like only Ted can, "That is one sorry looking chicken!" Ted's crazy. That chicken was pretty good.

***
The Mariners, a truly detested rival, won the game 13-12 in extra innings on a walk-off single by former Padre Josh Bard. Brad Brach blew the save in the 9th when he gave up a 2-run bomb. Logan Forsythe, James Darnell, and Nick Hundley each homered.

Seeing the young guys, who I had only previously read short blurbs about in prospect guides, perform well was a neat experience. Seeing Darnell and Forsythe gave the feeling that I had just discovered a great band who few knew about. We'll see if they're still making music in 2012.

***
We saw Jake Peavy, John Danks, and Mat Latos in a bar. I'm older than those guys now so that's kind of weird. I got more enjoyment out of seeing Darren Balsley, Randy Ready, and this girl wearing a brown and gold Ramones t-shirt*.

*The best of both worlds colliding.

***
Rick was the victim of a Will Venable f-bomb tirade and since I was standing with him it pretty much made me a victim as well. That was weird in a fun kind of way. Who knew that exchange would be the fuel for all my writing in July of 2011?

***
Jerry Colman walked in front of me. Right in front of me. Jerry Coleman!

***
Bought a few cool items on sale from the previous spring training (yellow hat, brown t-shirt).

***
I rapped with Jane Mitchell and bought her book One on One: My Journey With Hall Of Famers, Fan Favorites, And Rising Stars.

***
I also witnessed a weird event. I cannot speak to what this event was. But I will only say that without going to Spring Training seeing an event as odd as this one is nearly impossible. This is all I will say on the matter.

Spring Training 2011 was a neat experience and it set the foundation for what would be a fun year despite the losing.

Moores and Moorad: Good Riddance To Alliteration

2012-01-11T09:30:00.000-08:00

The following excerpts were taken from Padres: Team sale to Moorad nearly complete by Dan Hayes of the North County Times on Monday:

Jeff Moorad's purchase of the Padres from John Moores is nearly complete.

Moores confirmed Monday morning that Moorad's final installment to complete the $525 million sale is in escrow.

Moorad announced his intention to buy the team from Moores in January 2009 and made the first of three payments in March 2009.

Moores still had controlling interest after Moorad made a second payment in March 2010, but the two were essentially co-owners.

Moorad's final payment, which was made in December 2011, ends Moores' tenure as Padres owner.

The sale to Moorad was precipitated by Moores' divorce from his wife, Becky Moores.

This transaction being finalized is fantastic news for no other reason than it has become increasingly difficult to read both the Moores and Moorad names in the same sentence. Look at those excerpts. Not easy to maneuver through at all.

I'm being quite serious in my critique of the ever present and unintentionally forced alliteration.

This news should be finalized tomorrow and it will be the moment of truth for AJM. I have been vocal in relaying the message that my criticism of Padres payroll decisions would be fairly muted as long as the ownership was in transition. With Jeff Moorad making his final payment to John Moores it looks as though that day shall be coming much sooner than later.

I'd like to thank Moorad for making myriad magical moves to mobilize an investor group of magnates to obtain the Padres from Moores.

Let us move forward. Without alliteration.

Andrew Cashner: A Trip In The Way-Back Machine

2012-01-11T05:30:00.000-08:00

You need to feel better and I am here to help the cause. I'm fine. But it's you that requires comfort.

You are uneasy. Your dis-ease stems from the Padres decision to trade Anthony Rizzo, one of the system's top prospects for what amounts to a late inning reliever with shoulder issues and a light hitting elf from South Korea.

You are hurting and in need of reassurance. Fortunately for you, I can help. Climb aboard and take a little ride in my Baseball America 2009 Prospect Handbook . . .

It's February 24th, 2009. President Obama, focusing on the economy, has just addressed a joint session of Congress and Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail is number 1 at the box-office. This day in history could have killed lesser people but not us -- Baseball America has just released their 2009 Prospect Handbook. It was costly, no doubt. But three years later it's still here providing us with much needed reassurance.

I direct you to page 83 where you find a former Tight End from the University of Notre Dame named Jeff Samardzia. He is the number 2 prospect in the Chicago Cubs system. You are mesmerized by his mullet and horribly distracted by the spelling of his surname but you are not deterred. Your eyes drift one slot south where you find a write-up by BA's Jim Callis. The player -- number 3 prospect Andrew Cashner.

Callis describes to you everything you wish to hear. How Cashner regularly hit 96-98 mph at Texas Christian University, pairing it with an electric curveball. And he has a change-up. His North Side employers believe in this third pitch, so much so, that their heights are set on a spot in the rotation for young Andrew Cashner.

Then Callis gives you your Holy Grail:

Cashner has the raw ability to pitch in the front half of a big league rotation . . .

You quickly do the computation in your head, knowing that this is not Japan but instead Major League Baseball where a 5 man rotation is in use. Your math tells you that the front half equals -- a #1 or a #2!

You are ecstatic.

Suddenly the Anthony Rizzo/Zach Cates for Andrew Cashner/ Light Hitting Elf from South Korea doesn't sound bad at all.

You forget about the slight strain Cashner suffered in his shoulder last year and February 24th, 2009 becomes your accepted reality. You decide to stay*.

Doesn't it all feel better now?

* As you wait in line at the cinema you find that "Madea Goes to Jail" has sold out. Disappointed, you think about returning home but it is President Obama's economic address that begins to resonate with your inner-American. You purchase tickets to "He's Just Not That Into You". It was a good day.

The Plunger, Quentin, Cashner, Parallel

2012-01-10T13:30:00.000-08:00

Random thoughts raced through my mind as I plunged a toilet at 11:30 pm a few nights back. They began with the acquisition of Carlos Quentin, made their way to the Anthony Rizzo for Andrew Cashner trade, and returned full circle to where they belonged: the plunger in my hand.
After one plunges a toilet what is one supposed to do with this dripping wet, filth covered tool of liberation?

You can't just leave it in the toilet bowl; that would be dangerous. But if you place it next to the toilet you get sewage all over the floor. If you try to transport it to the shower you drip sewage on the floor. If you're lucky enough not to drip sewage on the floor it doesn't really matter because you've just deposited an excrement laden instrument into the area used for cleaning your body. This does not sound like a model of cleanliness.

As I stood in the bathroom during the late hours, finishing the plunging job at hand, this is where my thoughts drifted; What in the world do I do with this?

And then I realized this dilemma wasn't really about the plunger. It was about Carlos Quentin and Andrew Cashner. My question was really for Josh Byrnes and Padres management; What in the world do I do with this?

What do I do with this information you have provided me with? You've made trades. But I'm at a bit of a loss. You gave up arms to get a guy who plays left field, in Carlos Quentin*. But you went and got him a year before a good number of the young guys will be arriving in San Diego from the various farm affiliates. Are you going to try and extend Carlos Quentin? What do I do with this?

*Now let me be upfront. I am in no way equating Carlos Quentin with crap. I think he will perform well in PETCO Park his season and I loved what I heard from him on the Darren Smith Show last week. He sounds like the type of guy with a mental approach that can tackle the difficulties of such a large park. Now that we're clear, let's get back to that plunger and my parallel thoughts . . .

Andrew Cashner for Anthony Rizzo. A bullpen arm for one of the top prospects in the Padres system. How can I still possibly make fun of the Marlins for trading Cameron Maybin to the Padres for Edward Mujica and Ryan Webb? My laughter was predicated on the notion that relievers for position players was dumb. What do I do with this?

I've enjoyed this off season, it's been exciting. But there's a lot to digest and I keep asking myself . . . what do I do with this*?

*Any suggestions on what to do with the plunger?

Barry Larkin and Jack Murphy Stadium

2012-01-09T13:30:00.000-08:00

Former Cincinnati Red, Barry Larkin was voted into baseball's Hall of Fame, receiving the honor after accumulating 86.4% of the votes from the Baseball Writers' Association of America. Larkin also receives the distinction of entering the Hall of Fame as a player who played his entire career with one club, a feat becoming more rare with each passing year.

How do you remember Barry Larkin*? I thought the occasion called for a not so thorough examination of his numbers when visiting San Diego . . .

Here's Barry Larkin's slash-line at the time he retired:

.295

.371

.444

.815

He finished with 2,340 hits and 198 home runs after winning 1 World Series, 1 MVP award, 3 Gold Gloves and 9 Silver Sluggers. It bears mentioning that the Silver Slugger is awarded to the top offensive player at his position as voted on by coaches and managers -- and that Larkin has won more Silver Slugger awards than any short stop to play the game.

Alright, so what did Larkin do while playing at Jack Murphy Stadium / Qualcom Stadium**?

His slash-line in San Diego is as follows:

.288 / .364 / .420 / .784

Slightly below his career norms but not bad at all.

***
How about his best season at Jack Murphy?

During the 1990 season he absolutely destroyed Padres pitching to the tune of:

.436 / .436 / .641 / 1.077

These were his best numbers at any park in 1990 and if you got yourself out to the Murph that year you witnessed Larkin at his best.

***

Best game at The Murph in 1990?
On July 23rd Larkin went 3 for 5 with 2RBI/2R/ 2*2B in a 9-2 Reds win. He pretty much destroyed the Padres in each game he played that season.

***

Any guesses on the Padres starting line-up on July evening?
I'll start you off: hitting 9th was your starting pitcher, lefty Dennis Rasmussen. Deposit your guesses in the comments.

***

Congratulations to Barry Larkin on his election to the Baseball Hall of Fame.

* I remember Barry Larkin a a fantastic shortstop but to truly appreciate here's a bit of context provided by Jay Jaffe at Baseball Prospectus.
**Barry Larkin only played three games in PETCO Park going 3 for 13.

19 Reasons Why A Losing Padres Season Became Bearable

2012-01-09T09:30:00.000-08:00

The 2011 Padres season, one in which the home team finished 20 games below .500, was difficult on each and every one of our faithful community. But despite the losses exceeding the wins in by a wide margin, reflection has provided me with much needed perspective.

In many ways the 2011 season was akin to Star Wars: The Phantom Menace . . .

Hindsight tells us that the Phantom Menace was a terrible movie. George Lucas' dialogue gave new meaning to the word trite and his introduction of the soul crushing character Jar Jar Binks - well, it crushed our collective souls. The film was not without intrigue, however.

To see a Jedi at his full powers and the edition of an outstanding double-lightsabre wielding villain in the form of Darth Maul, were just rewards for the nerds (me) who waited a painstaking 16 years to experience an additional episode of Star Wars.. These positive aspects of the Phantom Menace each conspire to make the aforementioned pain far more bearable.

The 2011 season for the San Diego Padres was not dissimilar. Yet it's so easy to dwell solely on the negative.

My exercise in reflection led me to 19 examples of why a 71-91 was not so bad. These 19 examples were more than enough for me to justify following a team that often played so poorly.

For Padres fans the number 19 is an ideal, our fandom's golden mean.

As we approach opening day2012, I'll discuss 19 games / moments / thoughts that were of import to me. These moments will present themselves chronologically, with occasional exception.

It is my hope that the positive nature of these posts can return me to a more desirable middle ground* as a fan of the San Diego Padres.

*Why does someone start a blog? Because they're bothered by something, naturally. Rants and raves ensue and it can create a downward spiral of negativity. I yearn to return to a middle ground of perfection . . . 19.

Tim Sullivan Makes-Up For What The U-T Lacks

2012-01-09T05:30:00.000-08:00

A lot of criticism has been heaped upon segments of the San Diego media right here on this site. This past weekend I met up with some friends and when discussing the sources we seek out for information on the Padres the San Diego Union Tribune was not mentioned once.

I do not apologize for the criticism leveled.

In the interest of fairness however I need to find the time to also give praise when it is due. And it's the new year so let's shoot for a little positivity . . .

I personally like Tim Sullivan's style of writing. His references are fresh and he always puts together an intelligent piece of writing. I don't always agree with him but I never feel like I read something that was mailed-in. Merely one man's opinion.

He wrote two good columns in the last few days and I'd like to call attention to each as I think they're worth your time.

Padres GM motivated by need vs. cost of deals [January 6th, 2011]

Sullivan brings focus to the Padres actions of the last month noting how nearly every move sought to improve the team sooner than later and each also added payroll, a point that is never lost on fans.

Aside from one comment that appeared to condemn Jed Hoyer for ownership's reluctance to spend money during the last two seasons this is a fair article and worth reading.

On Sunday morning Sullivan wrote of Barry Larkin and what looks to be his sure-fire election to the Hall of Fame.

In a numbers game, Larkin now bound for Hall of Fame [January 7th, 2012]

Sullivan writes*:

In theory, a retired ballplayer does not grow more deserving with the passage of time. Unlike Emily Dickinson or Franz Kafka, his reputation cannot be enhanced by a stash of hits that are discovered posthumously.

I've never read Dickinson or Kafka but I understand his point. I do wish Sullivan would have made mention that, while players' stats don't change during their waiting period for potential Hall of Fame enshrinement, often the interpretations of those stats do.

The newer methods of evaluating the worth of a player are evolving and sometimes there is more than what initially meets the eye with what a player accomplished during his career. If a diary written by John F. Kennedy was found it could certainly change the way historians interpreted his presidency. It's similar with baseball, only far less important.

Two good reads by Sullivan.

* He also writes of how he no longer uses his BBWAA vote for the Hall of Fame and why. He has a pretty good point.

Hacksaw's Hacked-Quotes: Contract Extension Talk With Padres GM, Josh Byrnes

2012-01-06T15:00:00.000-08:00

Wanting to hear Josh Byrnes comment on today's trade of Anthony Rizzo, I was presented with an opportunity cost. I could listen and glean information from the Padres GM thus increasing my baseball IQ or I could ignore the interview and inevitably save 45 minutes of my life. The interview was a mere 5 minutes but I knew that some inane comment by Hacksaw would inevitably force me into blogging about it.

So here I am. Blogging about it . . .

After listening to the interview I saw this tweet by Saw:

The punctuation things are called quotation marks. Within the quotation marks are words. Outside of the quotation marks is a name. What this is called is a quotation.

As literate folk we are led to believe that the person in question, Josh [Byrnes], said the above statement.

In summation: Josh Byrnes said that he is talking about contract extensions with both Cameron Maybin and Chase Headley.

Except he didn't say that. How do I know? Well I listened. Then I went back and listened to make sure I wasn't crazy. And then I transcribed it.

Hacksaw:

It had been proposed to me, that somewhere along the line in this off-season that you would start negotiating multi-year contracts to buy out arbitration with a couple of cornerstone guys. And I don't know whether that's Maybin or weather that's Headley. Are you gonna do that?

Josh Byrnes:

We've had discussion with a few guys.

How can you feed the guy names* and then quote him (rhetorical question)? Between Scott and BR in the morning and Hacksaw in the afternoon we are surely a charmed fan base.

*There's no way Headley is getting an extension.

And It Rained: Baseball Conversations With a 5 Year Old

2012-01-05T21:10:00.000-08:00

Quite a few Saturdays ago it rained. Such an infrequent southern California occurrence warranted observation and appreciation. So out to the garage we went. With chairs unfolded and the garage-door lifted, the daughter and I sat . . .

"It doesn't usually rain in San Diego." I said.

My little one answered, "It's raining right now."

"But it doesn't usually rain. Our climate is dry in San Diego" [It's never too early to begin geography]

"I like rain." she innocently proclaimed.

"Me too." I said. "You know where it does rain a lot?"

Familiar with but a few cities on the map, the little one boldly asked, "Where?"

"In Seattle."

"What's Seattle?" she inquired.

How best to explain such things to a child?

"Well. Seattle is a city. Like San Diego is a city. And it's in a state called Washington. It rains a lot there." I answered with confidence, despite never having set foot in the pacific northwest.

"Oh."

Thinking it was time to expand her baseball horizons I fired off another question. "You know who plays baseball in Seattle?"

"Who?"

"The Mariners."

"What's a Mariner?"

I did not know if this was the best answer but I went with it, because . . . well, she's five. So I said, "It's like a fisherman. Someone who goes out in the ocean."

"A fisherman?"

"Yeah. A fisherman. You know what?"

"What, daddy?"

And with all the seriousness I could muster I threw down the gauntlet and let the young one know what kind of a life she was in for as a Padres fan.

With straight face, I told her, "As a Padre fan you're supposed to hate the Mariners."

Confused, she wondered aloud, "Why?"

"Because Bud Selig said so, honey."

"I like Bud Selig. He's my favorite Padre."

I laughed out loud at the suggestion and went about properly educating her, "Bud Selig isn't a Padre, honey!"

"Well who IS he?"she demanded.

I thought for a moment. "Well . . . he's a used car salesman."

"What's that?", she carefully inquired.

I could only smile and instead decided to put her mind at ease. "Never mind. Let's enjoy the rest of this rain."

And so we did.

Mowing Orlando Hudson's Lawn . . . for charity

2012-01-03T23:00:00.000-08:00

This evening, Padres MLB beat writer Corey Brock, offered a tweet with a couple of predictions for the team in 2012. He also asked fans to boldly predict the 2012 Padres season, an irresistible offer. I proffered the following:

O-Dog holds a contest to mow his lawn. Proceeds benefit his Autism Charity. Simultaneously alienates and ingratiates fans.

Pretend this prediction is awesome for a brief moment [and it is]. Now ask me why it is so awesome [thank you]. Because it could actually work . . .

Last season Orlando Hudson tried to defend the beleaguered Bad Hawpe by ripping into fans who never made it out of the high school ranks. He tossed a ball to fans in the stands with less than two outs and then had the nerve to laugh about it with the media after the loss. The trifecta was completed when the Orlando Hudson twitter account suggested to critical fans that they were only good enough to mow his lawn. Many of us, to say the least, were irked by the presence of Orlando Hudson last season.

There is no denying that Orlando Hudson can be a dick. But there is also no repudiating the man's philanthropy, specifically his work on behalf of autistic children. Orlando Hudson is an admirable dick if nothing else.

Why not merge Orlando's miserable on-field persona with his off-field kindness, in the form of a contest? Here's how I see it playing out . . .

We have a blind auction. People submit non-refundable bids to mow Orlando Hudson's lawn. The high bid wins, receiving the splendor that accompanies a hard day's yard-work all beneath the shaded umbrella of a charitable cause.

Do those who lost out on the bidding war get anything? Of course there's a consolation prize!

All losing bids are donated to Orlando Hudson's charity and each junior philanthropist shall play an interactive role in the day's events. They get to go to Orlando Hudson's house and watch the winning bidder mow the O-Dog's lawn. While the bidders who couldn't cut it with a more substantial financial contribution watch from the driveway, O-Dog will throw baseballs to them, playfully mocking his on-field blunder in 2011.

This is a win-win.

Orlando Hudson gets donations from every fan who submits a bid, all of which are donated to his C.A.T.C.H. foundation. We all get to laugh at one another, maybe see O-Dog slap the guy on the rear as he turns a corner while mowing the lawn. And most importantly I get to be right about a prediction for the 2012 season.

This is not set in stone. Feel free to add some elements to what will no doubt become a bidding war.

Happy New Year Padres Fans

2011-12-31T16:00:00.000-08:00

After a thrilling 2010, the Padres fell back to earth in 2011. It was painful. But the pain was assuaged by my ability to vent, when needed, right here on this blog. And you listened. All eleven of you. And I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Writing about the woes has allowed me to keep some semblance of sanity.

I'm happy for the opportunity to have gotten to know so many of you this year. I look forward to an exciting 2012 as we comfort each other through the difficulty of a rebuilding year.

Happy New Year.

~AJM

The "You Don't Know Jack!" Year In Review: Top Fives, Top Tens, Top Elevens

2011-12-31T07:50:00.000-08:00

The posts that get the most traffic usually aren't the best written. They tend to be hot button topics or stories with a more national appeal. It's lame. I look at the Google Analytics which provides the statistical breakdown of what people are viewing and I'm often left with a one word question: "Why?"

The following is a list of eleven posts which I felt were crafted. They were creative pieces. Some imaginary. Some exaggerated. Some that required research. But at their core, all were painstakingly crafted. Which is what writers do.

I enjoyed writing each of these and I sincerely hope that you enjoyed reading them. If you missed one give it a go. Thanks.

A Terrible Trevor Hoffman Fan [January 13th, 2011]
Trevor Hoffman's retirement put me in a state of reflection. I thought about his time as a Padre. Ultimately I realized that I needed Trevor to retire before I could fully appreciate him.

FDR and the Pacific Coast League's San Diego Padres [January 28th 2011]
I wrote this for RJ's Fro and it was inspired by the research of Bill Swank, the PCL Padre guru. I think I built slightly on Swank's work by giving a little more context to the time period in which the Padres arrived in San Diego.

The PCL Padres: The Birth of an Interleague Rivalry [February 11th, 2011]
This was my favorite piece of the year, also posted at RJ's Fro. The definitive guide to understanding the epic rivalry between the San Diego Padres and the Seattle Mariners.

Why The Mat Latos Hullabaloo Is A Good Thing [February 16th, 2011]
The Mat Latos #balls saga. I loved the passion Latos showed in his time as a Padre. We'd do well to have more players who care.

The PCL Padres: What's in a Name? [February 18th. 2011]
Another post in the PCL series over at RJ's Fro. The Padres were almost the . . .

The Gwynn Opener: A Requirement For Fans [April 7th, 2011]
I made it a point to not only get to the home opener but, directed by the sage words of Tony Gwynn, to make it to game number two as well. It was painful. And worth it.

F&^% you Vill Wenable [July 8th, 2011]
This is probably the post AJM is most associated with. I drank a few beers. Hit "caps lock". And absolutely melted down after Will Venable struck out with the bases loaded in Chavez Ravine.

Orlando Hudson and I Know How To Laugh At Work [July 27th, 2011]
It's not fun to dislike players who play for the home nine. Unfortunately Orlando Hudson made it easy. Good to see he's on the roster in '12.

Padres, Green Tea, and Misunderstandings [October 5th, 2011]
Battling a lengthy virus, a Padre fan is led to Starbucks in search of green tea.

Games For The Weary: Padre-Punch [December 9th, 2011]
If you stare into a crowd at Disneyland long enough, strange ideas are without bounds.

Avenger-In-Chief on Joe Randa [December 23rd 2011]
Researching a Joe Randa baseball card for Friars on Cardboard . . . exponentially more fun than watching grown men fawn over Brian Wilson and his idiotic beard during Padres/Giants series at PETCO Park. And that's saying something.

Media Commentary: A Major Award --The 2011 Homage to Suck

2011-12-30T07:30:00.000-08:00

As of this writing Lee "Hacksaw" Hamilton of XX1090 holds a modest lead over the Union Tribune's Don Norcross for the worst piece of writing in 2011. Nick Canepa is in dead last* with 12% of the vote.
*Remember, coming in last place is a good thing in this competition. Although it still doesn't say much.

Who did I vote for? If you guessed Nick Canepa then you know AJM like the back of your hand.

This competition was difficult. While over 180 people viewed the post only 50 saw themselves fit to cast a vote. I respect that. If you're not a regular reader I was asking quite a bit of you to go review the work of these writers.* I appreciate you abstaining from the vote if you felt you didn't have the time to read their columns. Your exercise of caution is an admirable trait, a trait we we would do well to donate to our three nominees.

*Hacksaw is not a writer. He wrote something. There is a distinction.

But did I unduly influence you with how I worded the contestants' entries in the poll? Canepa's was the most innocuous. Norcross less so. But if someone wanted to vote without reading then a vote for Hacksaw would have been reasonable based on my unflattering remark about his attempt at writing.* Hacksaw's piece was also fresh on our minds. He was FJM'd the other day and, well he's Hacksaw.

*Lee Hacksaw Hamilton Throws-Up on Paper. And then Pushes Submit.

I went back and reread Nick Canepa's piece. I don't think people are giving Nick the proper credit for writing a truly poor column. It was bad.* So I voted for Nick. Primarily because he's been a newspaper man at the UT since the 60s. Maybe that's the problem. Never the less, I hold him to a higher standard than Hacksaw. Hacksaw isn't a writer. He's a talking head. And a muckraker. But he's no writer. In my eyes this honor belonged to Canepa, the pro.

*When I say "bad" I'm thinking Steven Segal post Hard To Kill. I bought Segal's pony-tail up until this point. I willed myself to believe that a guy with a pony-tail could be that bad-ass. It didn't hurt that he looked 6'5". And that he always did that move where he broke a guy's arm at the elbow. After Hard to Kill I stopped believing. In summation: Nick Canepa's effort was as bad as Steven Segal's pony tail, post-Hard To Kill, but most definitely not pre-Hard To Kill.

The funny thing. I knew Hacksaw would take the title. For one simple reason: he's a polarizing figure. We already knew this but here's further proof. In a span of 24 hours the FJM piece I wrote about Hacksaw became, by a sizable margin, the most read column for the month of December. Why? Because people love to ridicule* the Saw. Ridicule that is often deserved. And this is a problem.

* Do you ever listen to Jim Rome? He constantly mocks Hacksaw's voice and his shtick. Hacksaw has built A Sports Empire on bad PR from Jim Rome. Hacksaw is known across the country for being the punchline to a joke. RANCHO CUCAMONGA! Can you HEAR ME?

People don't necessarily have the time to research. They go to the radio because it's easy. It is a reflex, one that can be done concurrently with the action of commuting to and from work. People depend on the accuracy of information received from a guy who has been given a massive platform and megaphone. This isn't politics, no extra research need be necessary. It's sports and sports should be easy. But you and I know better. We've learned to take nothing at face value, not even our sporting news.

Why would XX1090 knowingly deceive us by putting this guy on the air?

I'm not positive if this analogy works but I would say that XX1090 views its listnership similarly to the way a casino looks at a bet on a football game. Both want to get action on each side. If 1,000,000 betters choose the Chargers this weekend and 1,000,000 take the Raiders the house wins because of the 10% "rake" on each bet. Similarly, a radio station with blindly faithful listeners to Hacksaw coupled with irate listeners who desire to make the phone call* reminding him that he's a big idiot is good for business. Both groups are listening and that equals profit.

*Or text! Text him your thoughts.

So XX1090 doesn't care about us. For a solid dose of reason we get Darren Smith in the afternoon but not after 4 hours of frontal lobe pollution from Lee "Hacksaw" Hamilton. And on top of it, they let him bang his ideas out on a keyboard. Yes, in addition to San Diego.com giving him a forum, XX1090 also posted Hacksaw's malarkey on their website.

This week we've seen Craig Elsten of 619 Sports filling in for a vacationing Darren Smith and in this time we've been privy to a polished and reasoned approach to every topic on the table. As I listen I imagine how perfect a fit Craig would be in Hacksaw's spot, leading into Darren Smith at 2 pm. And then I'm reminded of our betting analogy and I come back to a grim reality. A reality where intelligence is not a commodity willfully doled out to radio audiences.

We are stuck with Lee Hacksaw Hamilton. And I would say that we need NOT be stuck quietly. That we can use our voices to silence Hacksaw's. But in the end, that is all XX1090 really wants. Complaints mean we are listening. And the bills are being paid.

This however, does not mean we cannot call attention to the failings of our media members. You will have to set your own standards for what you are willing to accept from the media but here are mine:

When I witness egregious incoherence, profound lack of logic, or an utter absence of research in a published writing by a professional -- that professional will be called on it.*

* Throws mic down.

Editor's Note [8:05 AM]
I would be remiss if I did not point to Dan Hayes, Corey Brock, Craig Elsten and Tom Krasovic for giving us some semblance of sanity with their writing.

The "You Don't Know Jack!" Year In Review: Crappy Writing Needs An Award Too

2011-12-29T07:20:00.000-08:00

During the past three months I've written three scathing critiques of articles by locally based journalists. All writers will write an homage to suck here and there but when the piece has egregious factual errors that lead to deception amongst readers then comment must be put on the record. That is what I would like to think that I have done with the articles by Nick Canepa, Don Norcross, and Lee "Hacksaw" Hamilton.

Were these articles the absolute worst written by professional journalists in San Diego during 2011? Likely not. But make no mistake, they were poorly constructed, riddled with errors, and completely "mailed-in" by their respective authors. And so I shall nominate them for worst of the year.

You can click the author's name above to go directly to the article or below you will find the links for the criticisms, which may be the easiest way to refresh your memory:

Nick Canepa Gets the FJMing He Deserves
FJM'd: Don Norcross and his subject, Padres GM Josh Byrnes
FJM'd: Hacksaw refuses to do the math that could be done on his fingers

Or perhaps your memory is pristine and you need not go through such time consuming acts; then now is the time to get yourself to the polls. Decision 2011!

The "You Don't Know Jack!" Year in Review: Ramones and Baseball Brawls

2011-12-27T10:00:00.000-08:00

Without any hesitation I can say that this was the definitive post written on AJM about the Ramones and baseball in 2011.

I wrote it nearly a year ago (1/12/11). It was short and sweet and I recall telling the Mrs. that the writing of the post would be worth it under one condition. Before I tell you the condition I'll ask that you click the link first: More Baseball Music: The Ramones take a turn

Comeback in two minutes.

I felt the writing of this post would be worth it if ONE person thought it was a legitimate story. Few read it and with zero comments I figured I had failed with my little hoax.

A few months down the road Rick from RJ's Fro began questioning me about the post. I don't recall his exact words but the gist of the conversation was that he BELIEVED the Ramones/ Roseboro/ Maricahal story was true! What really made it funny was that Rick has spent time in a band. A punk rock band. And he's a big baseball fan.

Success realized!

This has been The You Don't Know Jack! Year In Review: Part I

FJM'd: Hacksaw refuses to do the math that could be done on his fingers

2011-12-26T15:15:00.000-08:00

Against my better judgement, I am going to give Lee "Hacksaw" Hamilton the Fire Joe Morgan treatment. I'm trying to convince myself that it's NOT a waste of time. But like you, I know that it is.

Hacksaw is terrible. And since he has been given a platform he needs to get called on it.

And all this started when the incoming owner, Jeff Moorad, moved Jake Peavy two summers ago to the White Sox for... guess again, more kids.

Jake Peavy was actually moved for a bag of balls, an Italian beef sandwich, an ex-QB from the University of Michigan, three warm bodies, and a ridiculous agreement by the Chicago White Sox to assume a gazillion dollar contract for an undersized power pitcher with a history of injuries.

Isn't this one of the things for which we should be thanking Jeff Moorad?

When will there be some type of reward for long suffering fans, who have now seen six losing seasons in the last nine campaigns?

Math. Let's do math. Six losing seasons in the last nine campaigns? When I read this it just didn't compute so you know what I did? Like all good Mathematicians, I used my fingers! Go with it!

RIGHT HAND
Thumb: 2011: Losing season
Pointer: 2010: Winning season
Middle: 2009: Losing season
Ring: 2008: Losing season
Pinkie: 2007: Winning season

LEFT HAND
Thumb: 2006: Winning season
Pointer: 2005: Winning season
Middle: 2004: Winning season
Ring: 2003: Losing season

That was fun. (don't believe my fingers? go here)

OK. Firstly: when you're talking about "the number of winning seasons" in the last "x number of seasons" you go back to the last winning season in the string of years, which would be 2004. PETCO Park also opened in 2004, so really, Saw should have been speaking about 8 campaigns rather than 9.

What about Saw's math?

Have the Padres only had 3 winning seasons in the last 9? Let's go back to our fingers.

Ahhhh, nope.

According to my fingers the Padres have had 5 winning seasons in their last 9 campaigns. Or 5 out of 8 in PETCO Park, which isn't too bad considering how angry the fan-base has been.

Miller Park debuted in Milwaukee, which led to a spending spree and playoff appearances.

Miller Park opened in 2001. The Brewers rewarded their fans with 4 consecutive losing seasons, 1 .500 season, another losing season, and a .512 season, before they won the Wild Card in 2008. In three of those losing seasons they finished dead last in the NL Central. And with 6 teams vying for a championship in the NL Central, this is where last place truly means something!

What about the Brewers' payroll during those initial years after the opening of Miller Park?

Here it goes: (2000: 23rd*) (2001: 23rd) (2002: 21st) (2003: 28th) (2004: 30th) (2005: 27th) (2006: 24th) (2007: 19th) (2008: 15th) (2009: 17th) (2010: 18th) (2011: 17th)

The ballpark didn't really lead to increased payroll for Milwaukee. Maybe if Saw took the time to research he could have used Milwaukee as a timeline model for how a new park can eventually lead a small market team to a payroll in the top 50% of the league. Or Almost the top 50% of the league.

Leaving too were 14-game winner Aaron Harang, and back of the rotation starter Wade LeBlanc.

Lamenting the loss of Wade LeBlanc? I'll stop now.

From all of the past trades, San Diego wound up with 9 young players and three additional draft picks, but you won't see any of them at Petco Park from your box seats this summer.

Nine young players, huh? None of them in PETCO this summer? I don't even know who Saw is talking about here. The paragraph begins by talking about off-season moves and then he jumps to past trades. Is he including the warm bodies from the Peavy trade? There were 3 prospects from the Latos trade, 2 from Adams, 3 from Gonzalez. That doesn't add up to 9. Crap. This is vexing.

We know Alonso or Rizzo will be in San Diego. Rumor has it that we'll likely see Erlin, Wieland and Boxberger by summer. Maybe Casey Kelly, but more likely 2013. What was Hacksaw saying?

Alarming is the reality Moorad does not have the money to really own this.

Finally. A salient point. It took a while but Hacksaw made one (and I don't think he actually meant to do it).

Please don't allow the above 14 words to con you into reading the article. Just go to IKEA and do some shopping.

*I put the year 2000 payroll in for the Brewers just to show that there was no change (relative to the rest of MLB) in payroll as they moved into Miller Park.

Padres Fan Buying Dodgers Gifts Spawns Ideas of GREATNESS

2011-12-23T08:40:00.000-08:00

The Tri-tip Christmas shindig last week required the purchase of a gift on my part. The kind soul I drew for the gift exchange is a Dodger fan. I felt that this would make shopping far easier for me than to have drawn a woman on the other side of the family whom I only see once a year.

As I touched the Dodger hat at the sports collectible store I felt like I might burst into flames. This is not hyperbole. I had the uneasiest of feelings. Needle points of bright light permeated my field of vision and I did the only thing I could do in that situation. I grabbed a Padre hat too. It was brown . . .

I left the store with a gift for my father-in-law's Dodger loving brother and a Christmas gift for myself. And I felt more at ease despite the obvious accusations of seasonal selfishness that would eventually follow.

Then I journeyed to one of the last remaining bookstores on this planet we call earth; Barnes and Noble. And I looked for a book on the Dodgers. It was difficult, as once again, heat in my extremities and white light wreaked havoc with my vision. And then once again the pain of a thousand deaths subsided as I chose a book about Branch Rickey, Jackie Robinson, and the Dodgers. If forced to buy Dodger crap then the least I could do was buy the noble kind of Dodger crap, if there is such a thing.

No matter how much we ALL hate the Dodgers, make no mistake about it, they were the trailblazers in setting things right. Were their motivations in signing Jackie Robinson completely altruistic? Likely not. But the fact remains, that while Jackie Robinson was the first African-American in Major League Baseball, it took an organization to be the first to decide to integrate. The Dodgers deserve that honor.

SO LET'S CELEBRATE THE DODGERS THIS YEAR!!!

I've got a GREAT idea. The Padres need a NEW BOBBLEHEAD SERIES . Not a series that celebrates players who won't be with the club next year or young stars who AREN'T young stars. Something sustainable. A bobblehead series for each player with a retired number!!!

You know! Tony Gwynn, Randy Jones, Dave Winfield, Steve Garvey, Trevor Hoffman, and . . . JACKIE ROBINSON!!

Ya see, Jackie Robinson doesn't just belong to the Dodgers. He belongs to ALL of MLB! Every single team received an interest in Jackie Robinson when they decided to retire #42 across the board. SO LET'S GET IN ON THIS, PADRES!

The mock-ups have already been completed! Why should this be the only Jackie Robinson bobblehead we see!!??

Let's CELEBRATE JACKIE ROBINSON and THE NUMBER 42! Here's how it goes!

The Padres open the season against the DODGERS of LOS ANGELES on THURSDAY April 5th!!! The series goes from Thursday through Sunday. But we all know that the majority of Padre fans will be there on Thursday for the opener and the Dodgers will just take over the park for the other three games. So the GIVEAWAY has gotta be ON THURSDAY!!!

Celebrating the retired San Diego Padres Jersey numbers, TOM GARFINKEL PRESENTS:

That is glorious! The second greatest Padre of them all! Screw you Dodgers! JACKIE ROBINSON IS OURS!!!!!!

OPENING DAY 2012!!!

* This post was inspired by my gift purchase and the Dodgers decision to give away a Mike Scioscia bobblehead when the Angels visit Chavez Ravine this year.

* I would like to thank @scottcolson for providing Jackie Robinson awesomeness in brown and gold. Scott is a big believer in Weezer, the San Diego Padres, and belief. Follow him on Twitter!

Me Not Here: Joe Randa Inquiry Yields Alot Of Words

2011-12-22T21:04:00.000-08:00

I finished writing a piece this morning for Friars on Cardboard. It's based on this here Joe Randa baseball card. Something about the card just stood out which is to say it was unlike Joe Randa's 58 game career as a San Diego Padre.

Had The Thin Gwynn posted it today I would have had posted something on 5 consecutive days. But since I have actually written something on 5 consecutive days, I say screw it! I'm counting it as today!

When TTG posts my Randa piece this is where you'll find the link. Right [here] in fact. Or HERE!!!

Tear Down This Wall Mr. Byrnes-achev

2011-12-21T19:00:00.000-08:00

On this date in 1987* West Germans gathered to hear President Ronald Reagan address a crowd in front of the Berlin Wall. This historic date, when President Reagan pleaded with Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev to tear down the Berlin Wall, marked a seminal moment in the latter 20th century.

The Berlin Wall had become a physical manifestation of the division between a communist east and a democratic and capitalist west. Moreover it served as a mental divide between these two worlds.

The barriers of the mind can mean so much more than the physical, the tangible.

The Berlin Wall. Josh Byrnes. The San Diego Padres. Take a journey with me won't you . . .

New Padres General Manager Josh Byrnes has been an active participant during the Hot Stove and while it has ruffled the feathers of some fans there's no doubt he has made the winter interesting.

But there is one thing Byrnes could do that would no doubt capture the imagination of all Padres fans. It is President Ronald Reagan's Berlin Wall speech that I use as inspiration.

I paraphrase:

We welcome change and openness; for we believe that locker room cohesion and wins go together, that the advance of our 25 man roster can only strengthen the cause of the 2012 season. There is one sign that Josh Byrnes can make that would be unmistakable, that would advance dramatically the cause of this organization as a whole and the team that takes the field in 2012. General Manager Byrnes, if you seek unity, if you seek wins for the San Diego Padres and the people of southern California, if you seek the whole as being more than the sum of its parts, come here to this locker room. Mr. Byrnes, open this locker room. Mr. Byrnes, Mr. Byrnes, tear down this wall!

Tear down this Orlando Hudson Wall in the San Diego Padres locker room, Mr. Byrnes.

We are big believers that you can do it. Make this hot stove season an unrivaled success and tear it down.

I want to thank @homersapien619 for indulging me with an excellent photo-shop of the wall inside San Diego's locker room. Homer likes beer and is a fellow believer in belief. Follow him on twitter.

*This date is a fabrication. It was not December 21st, 1987 but June 12th of that year. But it's the off-season and points must be made.

Mat Latos and Tri-Tip: Part 2

2011-12-20T16:00:00.000-08:00

When we last met I had mentioned the disappointment of a cold tri-tip meal. But such a meal would not deter me from giving a reasoned assessment of the Mat Latos trade. On Saturday night I had some reading to do.

Whether it's a porterhouse, a t-bone, a fillet, or tri-tip everyone has their preference of meat. It's all good, really. But each person has their preference. What we choose could be a matter of affordability or it might be a matter of insider information. What is the eating establishment known for, their specialty? This often determines the choice in meat.

There's no shortage of varied opinion and preference on the Mat Latos deal and experts in the field quickly weighed in on the blockbuster move . . .

The following excerpts were worth noting for their lack of consensus:

"The San Diego Padres swap quality for quantity in a building move that helps them but doesn't entirely add up for me." ~Keith Law

"The most lopsided trade I've witnessed in recent memory as the Padres swindle the Reds in the 5-player trade that lands Mat Latos in Cinci" ~Jim Bowden (former General Manager)

"That's a lot of talent for a very good pitcher. No clear winner at this time." ~Kevin Goldstein

What did Keith Law mean? What didn't add up for him? If you're an ESPN insider you can pay to find out but that snippet gives pause to those who may want to declare the trade a success without a game having been played. Jim Bowden on the other hand leaves nothing to the imagination while Kevin Goldstein gives the more measured response.

These are but a few of the opinions out there, opinions that are shaped by what people value in a player. Some prefer the rare commodity, a potential number one starter, while others appreciate the quantity and perceived quality of young talent. Josh Byrnes and Walt Jockety each have their preference.

On Saturday night I had no choice in meat, just tri-tip, a scenario with which I was perfectly fine. Tri-tip is that little triangular part on the bottom portion of Bottom Sirloin, denoted in pink on our trusty steer. It's a choice cut of meat, loved along the central coast of California but often an afterthought elsewhere. The tri-tip is a hidden gem, as is its preparation in the Santa Maria style of barbecuing. It remains a secret to most; Kansas City, Texas, and North Carolina often the first places associated with barbecue.

Why was a potential #1 starter in Mat Latos shopped? Why did Josh Byrnes do it when so many thought the young hurler would be a cornerstone of the rotation moving forward? The clear reason is that Jockety overwhelmed Byrnes with an amazing offer. Let's phrase it another way and see how you like the trade: Mat Latos was traded for a 28 year old former all star pitcher and three 1st round draft picks*. It sounds . . . beautiful when described in such a way.

Mat Latos is like the tri-tip served at at a Santa Maria backyard barbeque. He was traded for three cows, about to go to slaughter, that will provide enough tri-tip to feed the paying customers at PETCO Park and the homeless denizens of the East Village. Eat-up, San Diego.

What about the latent reasons for this trade? Mat Latos was chosen in 2006 as a draft and follow after he had tumbled to the 11th round. Mat Latos fell to the 11th round of the draft because of issues concerning his mental make-up and maturity issues. Hey, what 17 year old doesn't have some growing-up to do? But when you're doling out millions of dollars it makes sense to use caution. Whatever the case may be, Latos signed, and as his pitching acumen developed the questions of maturity continued to follow him.

Cows don't have make-up issues.

As Mat Latos began to experience success in 2010 the consensus seemed to be that he had matured a great deal, with a notable exception. So why trade him, Mr. Byrnes? Was there something beneath the surface, unknown to so many?

On Saturday, Dan Hayes of the North County Times wrote the following:

Still, one source said the Padres had "a ton" of concern about Latos' mental makeup. Latos said in a conference call that he was shocked by the trade, saying the Padres' front office didn't give him the impression that he would be traded.

Byrnes said the Padres made the trade because of the package of players the Reds offered in return for Latos.

Could the on going issues regarding his mental make-up be the reason for his departure? Likely so, after reading the Hayes piece and listening to commentary from others. But I also think Byrnes was bowled over with the offer. Teams like the Padres need to make the 4 for 1 deals. They don't come along often enough.

This convoluted analogy has left you and I confused. Where do I stand, you ask? While I would have liked to have seen a contract extension in Latos' future I understand why they made the move. I love that they got two players who are ready for the 25 man roster and two that aren't far off. I'm also kind of excited to see what becomes of Anthony Rizzo.

And I love Tri-tip that is served hot. Santa Maria!

*I apologize for the lack of citation. I'm pretty sure I read a tweet from an analyst who framed the trade this way but I've read so much I have no idea where it came from.

Tom Garfinkel Wants Peter Gammons' Head On A Stick

2011-12-19T14:48:00.000-08:00

After Peter Gammons' article on MLB this morning and the subsequent Twitter chatter across San Diego a dialogue began to run through my mind. A dialogue between Hall of Fame baseball writer Peter Gammons and Padres' COO and President, Tom Garfinkel. An imaginary dialogue.

Or was it . . .
Tom Garfinkel: Hey Pete. Good Morning.

Peter Gammons: Good morning Tom. Hey, let me turn down my 8-track. Just listening to some Buddy Guy.

TG: Yup. Take your time.

PG: Alright . . . hey, thank you for the access yesterday morning. Those tidbits on Mat Latos were gold.

TG: Yeah. That's what I was calling about.

PG: Oh yea. What is it?

TG: As I was eating breakfast this morning I read through your column at MLB.

PG: How did it come off?

TG: Well. I'm not gonna lie. I do have a gripe.

PG: Look Tom. The information about Latos and his Tattoo before game 162 in 2010 was provided by your media relations department. Was this information inaccurate?

TG: No, no, no . . .

PG: Just stop! I understand that Twitter is full of useless little twits that parse everyone's words but what do you want me to do? You wanted Latos to look like he was a shaky employee. I framed it in such a way. You wanted Latos to look like his priorities were elsewhere. I did it. I'm a Hall of Fame writer, Tom. What more do you want from me. The Padres look like geniuses right now. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?!

TG: No. Peter. I think there's a misunderstanding.

PG: What!?

TG: We're the Padres, Peter. Not the Friars. We're the San Diego Padres. The title of your article says, "Depth Accelerating Friars' Return To Contention". We'd just prefer that you call us the Padres.

PG: What?

TG: It's just that we'd like you to refer to our name correctly.

PG: The Padres. Not the Friars?

TG: The Padres.

PG: You don't like the Friars?

TG: I wouldn't say I dislike it. We're the Padres. We should refer to ourselves as the Padres. Friars is part of our history. But in formal settings, in the broadcast booth, in releases, we should be the Padres.

PG: OK. I can do that.

TG: Thanks, Peter. I loved the article. Have you had breakfast yet?

PG: ( . . . silence . . )

Mat Latos Became a Red and The Tri-Tip Was Cold

2011-12-18T10:00:00.000-08:00

The other day I finally ponied-up for a Baseball Prospectus subscription. I'd been meaning to do it for sometime and now that it's the only place to read Ducksnorts it has become even more imperative.

It was Kevin Goldstein's publication of his top eleven Padres Prospects however, that forced my hand. Goldstein's overall evaluation was that the Padres have accrued tremendous depth at their minor league levels. Awesome! Is there anything better than spending money and having an expert tell you what you want to hear? I felt like I was in . . . Las Vegas.*

I did leave the reading of this article with concerns, though.

While the system has depth it lacks superstars on the horizon. Sorry. I'm greedy.

The projections for starting pitchers also caught my eye. Reports of Erlin, Weiland, and Kelly all sounded good, with big league arrival times coming sooner than later but they all project as #3 starters.

Sorry. I'm greedy. And I want more.

The only thing that assuaged my concerns was the notion that the Padres already had an ace in the fold in the form of Mat Latos. With Latos as the #1 perhaps the inclusion of three # 3 starters could still do the trick. Happy again was I.

Almost immediately I began to hear rumblings of a Latos trade.

This didn't make sense to my simple mind. With no stud in the system, why do it? The only thing I could think was that the FO thought Latos was a bad gamble moving forward. Kind of understandable I suppose. There have always been the maturity questions. Issues of the head, coupled with the propensity for pitchers' arms to fall off their bodies, could be reason enough to move the talent. I also thought it was more an issue of the Padres listening rather than actively shopping him. Whatever. I am simple.

Yesterday I went to eat tri-tip, an annual tradition. Before I could even get to the dinner table to find that the tri-tip was cold and undercooked, I got out of the car and checked my phone. Mat Latos was no longer a Padre. I was genuinely surprised. By both the undercooked tri-tip and the departure of Latos. Tri-tip needs to have the edges charred just right. The edges weren't charred just right, though. And Latos was gone. I couldn't make sense of it all.

Fans generally react poorly to such news, especially Padre fans who have seen players in recent history leave for unknown quantities. There were those who expected me to absolutely tEAR ThE INTerrrNETS aPArt!

I opted for a more measured response. For the most part, I decided to wait. And I decided to read...

(Part II)

*Read between the lines.

Games For The Weary: Padre-Punch

2011-12-09T15:02:00.000-08:00

When I was a little avenger out on a road-trip with the family my brother and I yearned for entertainment. We found it in the form of a game called Slug-Bug.

Each time a Volkswagen Beetle was spotted on the open-highways the objective was to shout the color of the Beetle and then the word "bug".

If I saw a red Volkswagen Beetle before my brother did I would shout "red bug"! This afforded me the opportunity to turn towards my brother, and with blood-lust, slug him in the arm.

Ah, Slug-Bug.

This last weekend I journeyed to Disneyland . . .

The family and I spent two days at Disneyland, a place renowned for hosting visitors from around the world. But it is the American visitors who I always pay the most attention. Based on their sporting attire, these folks share insights into their origins. It's magical. Just like Disneyland.

But through Day 1 at Disneyland I had yet to see a Padres fan. Sure there were a few damaged souls adorned in lightning bolts but nary an outwardly Padre fan was present to commiserate with. It was just me.

I needed a Padre fan. I needed one like a San Diegan needs Breakfast. And so I concocted a plan that would allow me to celebrate the occasion when a Padre fan would cross my path during Day 2. This plan came together in the form of a game. A game called Padre-Punch*

I decided that the next (and first) Padre fan I crossed paths with at Disneyland would receive a greeting.

I would garner their attention by shouting "Padre" and smiling like the Cheshire Cat of Disney's Alice in Wonderland ride.

Right as the fan recognized that I was a partisan I would lower the boom on their right shoulder while yelling "Punch"! It would be just like the days of yore. The days of Slug-Bug!

Of course the reaction by my fellow Padre fan would be to recoil. In this instance they would either be constructing an escape route for the purposes of filing assault charges . . . or worse . . . they would regather themselves. Intent on revenge.

Only one thing could prevent either scenario from coming to fruition.

After completing the phrase Padre Punch it would be incumbent upon me to extend my arms and envelop this friend in a warm embrace. Yes. I say friend. Because that is what Padres fans are . . . friends. Friends through the bonds of hapless baseball endured through the decades.

In our embrace I would whisper in to their ear:

"It's good to see you. I know it's difficult that fan favorite Heath Bell has moved on but it was a wise financial decision considering his age and declining peripherals. But it will be OK. The payroll will start with a "5". You and I. We'll be OK. Now go punch a friend."

This last part of Padre Punch would always be subject to modification. For example, when the Padres finally sign their next television contract, the whisper in the ear might sound something like this:

"It's good to see you. I know it's difficult that the new Padres television contract is not nearly as much as what the Yankees or Red Sox earn on their respective networks. It is however a substantial improvement over the years spent at Channel 4. But it will be OK. We just have to weather the Dick Enberg Era. You and I. We'll be OK. Now go punch a friend."

Spawned by a trip to Disneyland, this Padre Punch was my new game. It was more than just a game. It was a celebration. A celebration of the rare instance when someone outwardly proclaims to follow the same baseball team as me. A friend.

With epic gusts of wind, Day 2 at Disneyland arrived. I dressed and prepared for my first round of Padre Punch . . .

*"Friar Crier" was an early favorite for corporate naming rights but after internal debate it was vetoed by a committee of one.

Omar Minaya And My Inner Cynic

2011-12-03T14:25:00.000-08:00

The Padres added Omar Minaya to the front office yesterday in a capacity similar to the one held by Josh Byrnes in 2011 while Jed Hoyer was San Diego's General Manager. The UT's Bill Center writes:

“Omar’s job will be similar to what I did last year,” said Byrnes. “I’ll be traveling a lot,” added Minaya, who was the general manager of Montreal from 2002-2004 and the Mets from 2004-2010.

A native of the Dominican Republic, Minaya was the first Hispanic general manager in the major leagues. He picked the Padres over a half dozen other offers.

I asked a Mets fan what he thought of Omar Minaya and he opined that the former New York GM is a solid evaluator of talent if not a strong general manager. So that sounds like a good thing.

But my inner cynic reads that last part by Center and I immediately attribute the Minaya signing to all of the silly Josh Byrnes details Don Norcross saw fit to provide us with last week.

On the flip side, my rational mind notes that, at least Minaya was in demand.

Welcome aboard, Mr. Minaya.

FJM'd: Don Norcross and his subject, Padres GM Josh Byrnes

2011-11-27T15:54:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the subject of an interview has many stupid things to say. If every stupid thing the subject says is included in the final column or the writer fails to frame it ever so precisely, unintended and overwhelming folly ensues. For both writer and subject.

I give you new Padres GM Josh Byrnes as reported so terribly by the Union Tribune's Don Norcross....

The plane carrying the victorious, bleary-eyed Boston Red Sox from St. Louis landed in Beantown at about sunrise. The Curse of the Bambino had been exorcised, the 2004 Red Sox sweeping the Cardinals in baseball’s 100th World Series, 86 years of heartache laid to rest.

Just when people were beginning to believe that Jalalabad, Afghanistan was San Diego's Sister city Don Norcross steps in to set things straight with the Boston, Massachusetts reference. I think the point would have been stronger had he mentioned Ted Williams, Bobby Doerr, Adrian Gonzalez, Theo Epstein, and Jed Hoyer.

Boston was yawning, still wiping sleep from its eyes as buses transporting the Red Sox to Fenway Park swept through downtown. But when the a.m. types realized the buses’ occupants, they celebrated.

New York is the town that never sleeps. Boston is the city that yawns. Tell me more...

Fans unfurled morning newspapers, shaking them at their heroes. Construction workers standing atop scaffolding jumped up and down.

With dwindling circulation, Don Norcross plants the seeds that will turn the UT back into a cash cow. I can't stand feeling inferior to Boston. I can read. I can unfurl a newspaper! Give me more UT. Don Norcross is a genius!

Wait . . . what is this article about?

Byrnes smiles and says, “It’d be pretty nice to bring that first World Series championship to San Diego.”

Oh, hey! Josh Byrnes! New Padres GM! I thought this was the UT's travel section.

In Hoyer’s place as general manager arrives Byrnes, at 41 only four years older than Hoyer, but, his perpetual smile aside, seemingly more hardened. Termination will do that. Only 18 months ago, Byrnes was pink-slipped as Arizona’s GM with five years remaining on his contract.

An excellent job creating empathy for the new guy in town. If I signed an 8 year contract and got to sit around doing nothing while collecting the remaining 5 years I would be hardened too. Harder than a motherf*&ker!

“He was hurt, no doubt,” says Byrnes’ wife, Charity, a Mt. Carmel High graduate. “To be in this business, it’s not just a job. It sort of overcomes you and your family. He gave his heart and soul. It was very painful. To be honest, it’s not gone.

Oh lord. You included a quote from his wife, Don? She sounds like my mom after I got snubbed for All-Stars when I was 12 . . . which incidentally, was a travesty.

Moms and wives only discredit arguments, Don. They're too emotional. Charity from Mt. Carmel has discredited her husband and our GM before he's even started his first season. Way to emasculate the guy, Charity... AND Don!

“He’s moved on, but at the same time, it’s not like he roots for Arizona. Even if we were in the AL Central, he wouldn’t root for them, let alone being in the same division.”

Great. Now you're letting his wife pick a fight with Arizona? Wait. Perhaps I can get behind that sort of childlike pettiness.

So who is Josh Byrnes, the Padres’ ninth general manager as the club approaches its 44th season?

Oh, finally...

He was raised in Washington, D.C., by a single mother whom he unabashedly admits is the most influential person in his life. Sue Byrnes worked in government relations for a New York public relations firm, making the rounds in Congress.

So he's a momma's boy?

She stood on the National Mall for Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” speech. She worked for Bobby Kennedy and met JFK when he was president.

What does this have to do with the Padres new GM? And you're doing his poor single mother no favors by putting her name in the same circles as Jack and Bobby Kennedy.

“With my mouth wide open,” she says. “I couldn’t say anything.”

Couldn't say anything about what? About witnessing MLK's historic speech or meeting JFK?

If you're leaving me to guess then I'm going to go with the time Josh ate his poo after it squirted out of his diaper as he ate butternut squash in his high-chair during his 18th month of life.

She volunteers for President Obama.

Now it all makes sense. This is a political piece. Mother Byrnes' socialist leanings have prepared Josh to run a franchise that requires dependence on revenue sharing from the well-to-do. This article is versatile. It could have been on the front page of the Union Tribune. Below the fold, of course.

Josh Byrnes attended private school with Jesse Jackson’s son, Yusef, and basketball star Grant Hill. Byrnes’ best friend since the age of 5 is African American.

I attended school with a star football player who robbed a doughnut store. It was not a private school. Josh Byrnes is better than my type. He's upper-crust. And now, like a proper leftist with DC beginnings, he's slumming it with a bottom feeder organization like the Padres.

Regarding his youth athletics, he says, “Often times, I was the minority on the field.”

The good readers of San Diego are questioning the inclusion of this quote by Norcross as irrelevant but I think they're missing the point. Josh Byrnes' has experience as a minority and it will be no different as an executive of a Major League Baseball franchise. Just look at the picture that accompanies this UT article. Things are never easy for guys who look like Josh Byrnes.

Speaking of youth athletics . . . I too was a minority on the field. I was one of the only ones who had the courage to attempt switch-hitting as a youngster. I looked like an athletic female. Like Jessica Biel.

On the subject of diversity, he adds, “People are different. We don’t all need to look alike and think alike.”

AJM Quick Poll:

More ridiculous?
1.) Josh Byrnes' trite commentary.
2.) Don Norcross' inclusion of trite commentary.

“He was a Division I talent playing at a Division III school,” says Thad Levine, a Haverford teammate who worked with Byrnes at Colorado and is now the Texas Rangers’ assistant general manager.

Underachiever! He'll fit nicely within the San Diego sports scene.

Byrnes’ senior year, a scout checking out an Eastern University infielder asked Haverford’s coach if he had a prospect. The coach said to keep an eye on Byrnes. Byrnes hit a grand slam off the prospect, who also pitched.

So the prospect was being scouted as an infielder? But like most good athletes at small universities he also pitched? But he was being scouted as an infielder, not a pitcher? And Josh Byrnes hit a home run off the prospect . . . who was an infielder, not a pitcher?

And the fact that the scout overlooked him brought surprise to Josh Byrnes?

Recalls Byrnes, “I said, ‘OK, I’ve done about all I can do.’ The phone never rang.”

See previous commentary.

Life’s fork in the road came at a Haverford alumni baseball game. Haverford’s coach said Byrnes should spend some time with Ron Shapiro, a Haverford alum and baseball agent whose clientele included Cal Ripken Jr., Kirby Puckett and Eddie Murray.

You gotta know people in life, and Josh Byrnes seems to have been blessed by the contacts only one could make by attending a prestigious school like Harvard. I mean Haverford.

And so began Byrnes’ baseball escalator ride. From Indians intern in 1994 to director of scouting by 1999. From Rockies assistant GM in ’99 to Red Sox assistant GM in 2002. From Diamondbacks’ GM in 2005 to fired in 2010, now to Padres GM.

The Byrnes ascension through the ranks seems like a dream come true. Not something that would harden one to reality. Don Norcross disagrees. Because agreement would have required a rewrite. And he was at deadline.

Former co-workers rattle off common success traits when describing Byrnes: intellectual, disciplined, driven. There’s another quality that may set him apart — a willingness to think outside the box.

There's only one way to think when running a team like the Padres . . . and that's outside the box. What are we in store for? Left handed first basemen? Left handed catchers? Pitchers hitting 8th?!!

So the Rockies devised an “intern quiz” that would reveal if applicants were longtime baseball fans. Who was the player who famously put his arm around Jackie Robinson? (Pee Wee Reese.) Who hit the ball to center field when Willie Mays made his famous over-the-shoulder catch at the Polo Grounds? (Vic Wertz.)

An "intern quiz"? That's outside of the box? If an intern quiz is devised in such a way that I might get the job . . . there might be a problem.

I like the Jackie Robinson/Pee Wee Reese diversity question though. It supports Josh Byrnes's assertion that his best friend, as a youth, was African-American.

At Cleveland, Byrnes supported the drafting of a player some deemed too big (CC Sabathia). At Boston, he endorsed selecting a player considered too small (Dustin Pedroia).

Josh Byrnes' belief in diversity is not limited to issues of race.

Look forward to drafts that include lumbering corner outfielders that defy the spaciousness of PETCO Park and pygmies out of Papua New Guinea to play the middle infield. Goodbye, Orlando Hudson!.

And at Arizona in 2009, he hired A.J. Hinch as manager even though Hinch had never coached or managed professionally.

Continuing with the theme of "looking forward" can I suggest a Managerial Triumvirate comprised of Mark Loretta, Trevor Hoffman and Chris Denorfia who will teach outfield dives?

“I was shocked,” admits Hinch.

I once hired an electrician to fix leaky plumbing in the kitchen. The leak was stemmed to a moderate drip which was an unforeseen surprise. The piping however, was now decorated like a Christmas Tree, which was freaking awesome!

I was shocked. Pleasantly.

Alas, if you dare to be great, sometimes you fall flat. The Diamondbacks posted an 89-123 record under Hinch. On July 1, 2010, Hinch and Byrnes were fired.

Managers are only worth a few wins a year. This record speaks more to the team Byrnes assembled. And also how crappy AJ Hinch was a manager. I'm starting to write like Don Norcross. Forgive me.

Hinch is now a Padres assistant general manager.

Mediocrity must be rewarded. Very "outside the box".

Regarding the Hinch-as-manager experiment, Byrnes says, “We just never won enough. Anytime you have a controversial hire, you’re on a short leash. When we didn’t produce winning baseball, the natives got pretty restless.”

Natives in Arizona? Laughable!

Asked how the Padres can win with a modest payroll, Byrnes says, “I’m a big believer in belief. I think belief is a powerful thing.”

San Diego needs more believers in belief. If you believe hard enough it's good for at least one comma and three zeroes added to the bottom line. Believe it.

Like Hoyer, Byrnes believes there are no quick fixes and that the Padres must build in the same manner as the Tampa Bay Rays, via the draft.

If there was any doubt in Josh Byrnes and his belief in belief, Don Norcross erased it with this excerpt.

A Padres championship team, he says, must be built around pitching and defense. The team needs more dominant starting pitching. Position players, he says, must be built around speed, defense, quality at-bats “and a tenacious relentlessness about how they play.”

Tenacious relentlessness. It's like persistent single-mindedness. But with a teaspoon of stubborness.

He’s a Cameron Maybin believer and wants to sign the center fielder to a contract extension, although talks have not intensified.

If you believe, thy Cameron Maybin will extend.

If the man is worried, he conceals it well. Kevin Towers’ GM signature was his brashness, his most memorable line directed to the Dodgers — “There’s a new sheriff in town.”

I think the internet has covered this misstep ad nauseum. In Don Norcross' defense... Kevin Malone was pretty forgettable.

Byrnes’ handle, for now, is his smile. Not a goofy, happy-go-lucky grin. Just a content, life-is-good smile.

Goofy, happy-go-lucky grin? Why does Heath Bell need to get a kick in the balls on the way out the door?

Sue Byrnes says her son has been that way since he slept in a crib. “He would wake up with a big smile on his face,” Sue says. “I called him Mr. Sunshine.”

Awwwww. Moms are the best.

****
Don Norcross and Nick Canepa are making this off-season fun.

Guest Post: @Homersapien619 is mad at Orlando Hudson types . . . and he ain't gonna take it anymore!

2011-11-23T13:51:00.000-08:00

A blog is a place to vent. As such, I have an open door policy to those who have become friends. When you factor into the equation that this post simultaneously denigrates both Orlando Hudson and Shaun Phillips I have little choice but to acquiesce.

This column comes from a man known on the Internet as @Homersapien619 and 'tis his first foray into the blogging business. Welcome him, please.

Congratulations, Homer! You're officially an a-hole.

This is my first ever blog submission. I’m normally one of the guys in the background, doing a lot of technical stuff, making the writers look good. Hopefully, this is going to live up to the Avenging Jack Murphy standards of excellence. That means there will be at least one Joe Randa reference, guaranteed. But, I haven’t been drinking Ballast Point Sculpin IPA, so it’s doubtful there will be any misspelled capitalization errors (see: vIlL WeNaBlE).

That having been said, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend among San Diego “professional” athletes this year in terms of interacting with their fans via social media sites like Twitter.

If you don’t know, I have been coordinating social media locally for a Fortune 500 company, so I think I have a little insight into how not to interact with customers (aka fans) via Twitter. And lately, certain San Diego athletes have been doing it wrong.

I have dubbed it the “Mow My Lawn” rule, after the following interaction between Padres fan, Scott Colson and the account of Padres 2^nd baseman Orlando Hudson.

I say account because it was obvious that someone else was tweeting for Orlando. But that’s another story altogether.

Anyone who knows me knows I’m not a Chargers fan. In fact, I’m really not a football fan. I follow the sport, but nowhere near as closely as others.

But Monday I just happened to come across a couple of tweets from two Chargers players that fall under the “Mow My Lawn” rule. The following tweets are prime examples of why I don’t like the Chargers organization as a whole, and the current players in particular.

First up, I give you TE Randy McMichael (@randymac81):

I didn’t include his tweet shortly after this one where he calls a fan an @$$hole after said fan made a joke involving some of the people he was following (Editor's note: Wow . . . you're not as big of an asshole as I thought, Homer!)

Hey, Randy. It’s never a good idea to denigrate grocery baggers. Next thing you know, your bread & eggs are underneath the milk.

Secondly, I give you everyone's Twitter favorite, LB Shaun Phillips (@ShaunPhillips95):

What can I say about this sequence? I’ve heard it all before from Shaun. He’s notorious for berating critics with his tweets. Even when he deserves it.

My point is this: Yes, we know that you’re getting paid to do a job that most of us can’t do. But you should remember that as fans, we pay our hard earned money to buy tickets. Or jerseys. Or t-shirts. Or MLB Extra Innings. Or NFL Sunday Ticket. Most of us don’t have a lot of disposable income to buy these things. So you should man-up and take the criticisms with a grain of salt.

Does this mean you should respond with “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I disagree with your point,” or “I understand and I’ll do better next time”? No. I’m sure I’d call you a pussy if you took that stance. But take some responsibility for the way your TEAM is playing.

That’s right, I said TEAM.

The fact is that the Chargers have lost 5 in a row as I write this. I have no idea how Randy McMichael or Shaun Phillips are playing right now. They could suck more than the suckiest bunch of sucks whoever sucked. Or they could be invoking the image of Joe Randa, roundhouse kicking their way into the record books. But their TEAM is playing like the suckiest bunch of sucks whoever sucked.

There’s that word again. TEAM.

*Editor's Note: Excellent Joe Randa product placement.

I'm Lost: A Question For Those On The Beat, Media Types, And Padres Fans

2011-11-14T05:47:00.000-08:00

We have been told that the only reason Jed Hoyer was even allowed to discuss employment with Theo Epstein and the Chicago Cubs is because Jeff Moorad felt that he had a suitable replacement within the organization (Josh Byrnes). Without the presence of Byrnes the request is denied, a non-starter as they say.

But what about Assistant GM, Jason McLeod? There was nobody in house to replace him as the Padres looked outside of the organization to hire Chad McDonald. Why was this allowed to happen?

Without the presence of Jason McLeod the Padres farm system doesn't look nearly as good as it does right now, so it seems like a legitimate question. I've searched but found nothing.

It's almost as though Jason McLeod is still fulfilling a term of indentured servitude (2 years served of 7) and Jeff Moorad was forced to let him go to Chicago on account of him being Jed's property.

Anyone know the answer? Has the question been asked but I'm a bit too deaf, a little too blind?

LeBronification, Jed Hoyer . . . and oatmeal

2011-11-12T13:24:00.000-08:00

I've been eating oatmeal everyday for the last month. It provides a solid start to my day. And that is important in so many ways.

But it was a few days ago that I ate my oatmeal and knew that something was amiss. Could oatmeal possibly go bad? It didn't taste bad, just not right. So I picked up the box and sure enough, there was an expiration date, which had long since passed.

The following post is like that box of oatmeal. The content (Jed Hoyer commentary) will not be too bad but it is most assuredly old. But it will be good for me to write it just as the oatmeal is good for me to eat.

Eat at your own discretion...

Jed Hoyer has left the Padres for a 2011-2012 reunion with Theo Epstein and been replaced with Josh Byrnes. Joing Hoyer in Chicago is Jason McLeod, the architect of a surging Padres farm system. Presumably McLeod's skill set is to be replaced by AJ Hinch. OK.

LeBronification?

When I was a youngster I loved Michael Jordan. I saw him play in person and always if on TV. I admired his greatness. He was great because of what he could do with a basketball but he was even greater because he could win; the greatest achievement one can have in sport. I admired Michael Jordan for staying in Chicago and persevering. He played on some teams that looked like they may never be able to punch through and call themselves champions. The Celtics and Pistons always in their way. But the Bulls persevered and were rewarded for doing so.

We don't see players wait it out so much these days, like Jordan did. Do players jump ship for greener pastures? Sure they do. But the pastures aren't just more green with money. I believe that some jump ship for easier pastures. Rather than battle for championships, players attempt to jump to a team that they feel is closer to achieving the goal. Under these conditions the toil is far less.

This scenario is best personified by LeBron James. LeBron was so close to winning a championship in Cleveland and erasing Cavalier sins of the past but instead he left... for a dream team scenario. Lebron stood up and essentially said, "I'm not good enough to carry the Cavaliers to a Championship. I'm going to Miami." Perhaps the candor was admirable through the eyes of some.

Somewhere in the middle of that fictitious quote lies the truth. But to me it merely created a name for a phenomenon that I really don't care for all too much. Jumping ship for easier pastures shall forever be called LeBronification.

Jed Hoyer and LeBronification

On the surface it seems as though Jed Hoyer felt he needed Theo Epstein and the Cubs. He didn't like the reality, that as a GM in San Diego, it would always be an up hill battle. So he took an opportunity to get the band back together . . . because that's what you do when you don't think you can do it on your own. Ask Blink 182 how that works.

Is this fair analysis? Not at all. It's not even intelligent analysis, really. But let's ignore Blink 182 for a minute and continue with Jed Hoyer....

I can't help but jump to the the conclusion I always jump to when I see guys try to plant themselves in situations that are "easier" in terms of available resources. So it is with that conclusion that I ultimately arrive at with Jed Hoyer. He wasn't confident in his abilities to achieve in San Diego.

The truth is . . . we'll never know the truth. I'm actually inclined to believe that Hoyer would have stayed had Jeff Moorad showed him some good faith. Jeff Moorad's decision not to give a contract extension and to allow him to negotiate with the Cubs was a tacit endorsement for Josh Byrnes who was already in house. And so Jed moved on.

People are rarely forthcoming about such details though, and I am left to interpret situations as I see them unfold. Part of me says that Jed Hoyer is guilty of LeBronification while the other part . . . the greater one, says . . . thank you for your two years in San Diego and putting the Padres on the right track.

Giving Nick Canepa The FJMing He Deserves

2011-10-30T22:05:00.000-07:00

Fire Joe Morgan, the great website that moved onto a better, media-free world in late 2008, was the preeminent place for sports media criticism. Thus, to receive an FJMing, signifies a public demand for blood (or plasma if you would prefer) because a member of the media either mailed it in or failed at their most important task; making sense.

Which brings me to Saturday's column by Nick Canepa of the San Diego Union Tribune. I don't always agree with Nick Canepa. I'm speaking in code: what I mean to say is, I rarely ever agree with the man. But his article yesterday was on another level of "me-no-makey-sense". Let's explore.

Sez Me …

And here we go. Is there anything more tired than "Sez Me"? It's like always talking about Sculpin IPA or misspelling Will Venable's name.

In was in early October, 2009, that Padres boss Jeff Moorad fired General Manager Kevin Towers, and I wrote he’d just made the first major blunder of his captaincy.

Totally stupid blunder. Kevin Towers had only been here for 15 years. So dumb. It was like divorcing your wife after being married for 30 years and forfeiting nearly everything you own. Wait... someone did do that... we refer to him in these parts as, "The Guy Who Hired Kevin Towers In 1995". We're creative with our names around here.

For what money I have, Towers is the best GM in baseball, as he once again proved when he turned around woeful Arizona in a Phoenix minute (slower than New York’s, but fast enough).

Best GM in baseball based on having little money? I don't know what kind of money Nick Canepa has in his bank account but based on this being a Padres article I'm guessing it's nothing. I'm confused. Are there not better GMs than the guy who acquired Randy Meyers in 1998? And are we really assigning all of the credit in Arizona to Kevin Towers? People also wanted to give Towers the credit when Jed Hoyer was doing his part here in 2010. That Kevin Towers is clearly a God.

Moorad’s second blunder, obviously, was hiring Jed Hoyer as Towers’ replacement.

It would have been better to leave the position of GM vacant. Or bring back Joe McIlvaine.

Not that there was anything terribly wrong with Jed. Except that, coming here from snooty Boston, he obviously preferred big bowls of chowder to fish tacos.

Is this a small fish in a big bowl of chowder analogy? Or are we starting to equate snobbery with those who revel in soup?

So after two seasons he’s taken the first plane out of town to join fellow Red Sox brat packer Theo Epstein, who’s been given run of the dilapidated — but wealthy — Cubs.

Finally! A pop-culture reference! I loved Breakfast Club. And it was filmed in Chicago. Nick Canepa is owning us right now. OWNING. US.

Despite looking like a kid about to buy a prom night corsage, Hoyer seemed to know what he was doing.

Wait. He looked like he knew what he was doing yet the hire was a blunder? Canepa is running circles around us. RUNNING. CIRCLES. AROUND. US. (My prom sucked. Canepa is mind-f*cking me right now.)

Like his predecessor, Hoyer was hamstrung by the Padres’ tight wallet. Unlike Towers, he chose not to stick around to see if he could handle the challenge and finish the work.

Towers stuck around for a reason. He wasn't fired sooner. You see, when a market is small, there is little chance of success unless the farm system is loaded. Towers failed to load the farm. Yet he kept his job. It's mysterious.

At least Epstein saw things through in Boston. Hoyer didn’t come close here.

Actually, in Theo Epstein's second year at the helm in Boston a World Series was claimed. And then Epstein quit after year three. Why? Because he wanted a contract extension. Just like Jed Hoyer.

Towers may not have drafted well — something I never will fully comprehend — but he had the great ability to fleece people in trades (the David Freese–for-Jim Edmonds deal was not one of them, but nobody’s perfect), and he got the club into the playoffs and World Series on a handmaiden’s budget.

CANEPA. IS. CORRECT. Towers was terrible in the draft! It's why the Padres haven't had a more sustained run of success.

But I must take umbrage with the crazy talk about getting the Padres to the World Series on a handmaiden's budget. Firstly because, I have no idea about the earning power of a handmaiden. Secondly, because the internet exists. The internet tells me that the Padres had the 9th highest payroll in 1998 and the disparity between 1st and 9th was a paltry $19 million.

And speaking of fleece(ing) I have two things to say: it's a comfortable product and also what Jed Hoyer did to the Florida Marlins. Hello Cameron Maybin. Goodbye fungible relief pitchers. (YES! I finally used the word fungible in a sentence.)

And no GM — maybe no GM ever — was better with pitchers, baseball’s plasma.

Some people write of "blood and guts" and others deal in "intestinal fortitude". Nick Canepa and I both broker in plasma. I sold my plasma in college and it allowed me to party like a rock star on Thursday nights.

Hoyer was in the process of rebuilding the club’s farm system, a good thing, when the glitter of Michigan Avenue beckoned.

I have submitted "...rebuilding the club's farm system, a good thing...." as the understatement of the Mother f*ckING year.

At least he had that going for him, but even Jed readily admitted he screwed up this past off-season, sweeping a 90-win team of clubhouse leadership and miscalculating on veteran free agents who couldn’t cut it anymore.

I'm not a Hoyer apologist. But it's hard to calculate correctly on veteran free agents when the calculator you've been given is void of so many decimal places. You know this, Nick. So why mention it?

Young Hoyer also either bowed to upper management or public (I hope not) pressure to bring slugging minor league first baseman Anthony Rizzo

That Rizzo kid, for lack of a better word, RAPED the Pacific Coast League while an inept Brad Hawpe manned first base in PETCO Park. Why wouldn't he have been promoted?

Enter Josh Byrnes, former GM of the Diamondbacks when Moorad ran that club.

Our transformation is complete. We are now the San Diego Diamondbacks.

Byrnes was canned in Arizona, but he did some good things there. Many of the players Towers won with this year were brought in with Byrnes on the bridge.

I thought Towers gets all the credit because he's the Pitcher Whisperer. And there's also the matter of plasma.

What Towers did there was create a winning pitching staff and bullpen, his forte.

Uhhh.... Nick... I guess I'll give you the bullpen (only because, like you, I don't want to do the research) but the Diamondbacks only had four legitimate starters this year, three of which were acquired by Josh Byrnes (Hudson, Kennedy, Collmenter) and the other by Jerry Dipoto (Saunders). Good point though.

Byrnes, at 41, has a pedigree, having studied under good baseball people along the way. Hopefully, he’ll be more than a San Diego comet. Hopefully, he’ll buy, not rent.

Josh Byrnes has good pedigree. He's like a dog. And I'll be honest-- people who by houses are comfortable. I don't want a guy who's comfortable. Kevin Towers was comfortable. 15 years comfortable.

If Moorad wants to build a winner here, he has to keep GMs around long enough to learn their names. He can’t afford Blunder No. 3. …

Jed's name only has three letters and I've heard Jeff Moorad say it on the Darren Smith Show numerous times. "Josh" on the other hand is a hella tricky name to master.

Losing assistant GM Jason McLeod, who’s headed for Chicago with Hoyer, may be the bigger loss …

Finally Nick Canepa makes crystal clear sense of this mess. I wish the clarity would have occurred before word number 553 of the column (I counted).

Epstein already has put the kibosh on Hoyer’s first planned move, signing Brad Hawpe …

Haha. Brad Hawpe jokes will never get old.

I can't wait to do this again.

Padres, Green Tea, and Misunderstandings

2011-10-05T23:30:00.000-07:00

The rain pours sideways and it's never gentle. It's what the wind will do on an early October day.

I have been sick for the last week. A brutal four day stretch like none I've ever encountered. It included much time to my own devices lest I pollute those I love with an unrelenting upper respiratory viral infection. There's little that can be done for a virus. Lots of liquids. Lots of rest. Stay the course.

I haven't drank coffee or beer in the last week and I've eaten little. But there is one thing I've taken up-- tea. Any kind available really. I've sworn by it. The last few days have seen me venturing into Starbucks leaving only with a Green Tea, the biggest their baristas would provide. And that's really where this story begins...

As I entered Starbucks at 4:30 pm this afternoon I was prepared to order my second venti Green Tea of the day.

I approached the counter and said, "Venti Green Tea, please."

The recipient of my order was a man. A man named Steve. Steve looked at me incredulously. I didn't understand his incredulity. Is Green Tea on a cold rainy day some sort of monumental stretch? If so it is one in which I am unfamiliar.

Steve simply said, "Hot or cold?"

I replied, "Oh, hot, please."

But my look suggested something quite different. I'm not sure but my face might have read, "It's cold mother fucker. I want it hot." Who can be certain of such things.

Our interface did not end there, though. Steve had more to say. I had replied hot but Steve had questions. Proper questions.

"What kind of hot tea? Because I could make a non fat soy green tea latte light on the foam or a Venti pump extra hot chai tea latte. Sometimes people like those on cold rainy days"

I looked at Steve. And then I looked over his shoulder. I needed to break eye-contact. I needed to break eye-contact and then take a deep meditative breath. And this simple action helped calm me.

Steve didn't need to be berated. And I'm sick . . . I haven't the energy for it. Steve needed something else. He needed to be complimented. So I looked at Barista Steve and I said the following:

"Steve, I admire your passion. It's not misguided and all would do well to have such passion for their day's work."

I had just paraphrased James Earl Jones as Terrence Mann in Field of Dreams. But Steve . . . he hadn't blinked an eye. The word lift, an unintentional and unforeseeable gaffe, left me undeterred. I carried on.

"If all had the passion that you bring to your job, Steve, the world would be a fine place."

Had I now lifted Hemingway? I continued...

"I appreciate your suggestions for my drink today. They were about as convoluted as anything I've ever heard but I appreciate the effort nonetheless. But, ya see Steve, sometimes a tea is just a tea. No bells. No whistles. Just the simplicity of a teabag. Sometimes your customer just wants you . . . to give them a tea bag. The old fashioned way."

It hadn't even dawned on me that I had just given a soliloquy that could very well be censored in some states. How on Earth had Barista Steve received my signal? I couldn't tell. He simply turned, grabbed a cup, two Green tea tea-bags and started pouring hot water.

It was gonna be cold, wet and windy out there. I began to zip-up the high collar on my brown Padres heavy-weight track jacket and Barista Steve returned with my Green Tea. Money changed hands. In light of our conversation only minutes ago . . . it all seemed so dirty.

I looked at Steve. And in an attempt to put us back on some sort of level footing I said the only thing I could at that moment...

"Go Padres?"

Like DiMaggio Before Me... An Epic Streak Ends

2011-09-15T20:30:00.000-07:00

And the streak endeth...

What streak is this you ask?

Since opening day in 2010 I had attended at least one game on every home-stand... until the last one. My streak came to an end and the most disheartening part of it all resides in the painful reality that tickets to two games went unused. TWO!

I missed the Saturday September 3rd game against the Rockies and was then forced to bow out of the Wednesday September 7th game against the Giants.

How am I so certain of this streak? Well... I have every Padres Blueprint that's been issued. Except the last one. The irony? I believe that Jesus Guzman is on the cover. I AM JESUS GUZMAN.

So I need the last Blueprint, if you got it. Or will you get it for me? There might be a ticket in it for you. I can trade those unused tickets for a game against the Cubs. Time to send the invites.

I'm back in the saddle tomorrow night for the opener against the D-Backs. It's Oktoberfest.

Sight For Sore Eyes After Sweep

2011-08-29T09:15:00.000-07:00

I spend a lot of time looking at Baseball-Reference.com for all my nerdy number baseball needs, especially Padres game logs, so as to be accurate when I harangue players like Will Venable and Orlando Hudson. It also serves a valuable purpose when I laud players like Cameron Maybin.

When I look at Baseball Reference I often think of the old carpenter's maxim of, "Measure Twice, Cut Once, my friend."*--- a reminder to look up the numbers before properly laying into a player.

Having said that, it pleased me to see the following graphic this morning:

In case you're missing it let me zoom in...

A nice fresh row of retired numbers featuring Trevor Hoffman. Good stuff.

*I added the 'my friend' to that old proverb and in so doing I believe its been improved upon. Don't you?

This Padres Day In History . . . it can be so confusing

2011-08-27T15:10:00.000-07:00

Today is August 27th, 2011. The Padres play the Arizona Diamondbacks this evening at 5:10 pm with Aaron Harang trying to peel off the face of that no good Joe Saunders. Good stuff there.

But what happened on August 27th, 2010?

Well, you woke up and brushed your teeth. You ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner. You watched the Padres lose. Then you went to bed with a horrible taste in your mouth. You did not brush. Let's review...

The Phillies arrived in San Diego to begin a three game series before a crowd of 34,233. The Padres were looking to rebound from a 11-5 loss to the D-Backs only one day before. The Padres had little need to worry. They had taken 3 of 4 from Arizona and sat in first place in the NL West with a 6 game lead over the 2nd place San Francisco Giants.

Mat Latos (7IP 5H 1R 1ER 2BB 6K) matched Roy Oswalt (8IP 5H 1R 1ER 0BB 6K) for 7 innings until Mike Adams came into the 8th and surrendered a walk to Chase Utley, a single to Ryan Howard, and a walk to Jason Werth. Joe Thatcher entered for Adams and promptly gave up an RBI single to Raul Ibanez.

The Phillies had pulled ahead 2-1 entering the bottom of the 8th.

In the bottom of the inning Will Venable, and Yorvitt Torrealba struck out before Luis Durango came to bat.

You had seen enough. You bet the entire bar shots of Cuervo that the light hitting pixie known as Luis Durango would ground out weakly like always. But the bar had also seen enough. There were no takers on this bet and after three pitches Luis Durango grounded weakly to Jimmy Rollins at shortstop. Bar patrons proceeded to purchase their own shots and the game rolled on to the 9th inning.

Luke Gregerson shut the door in the top of the 9th. Because that's what Luke Gregerson does...or at least that's what he did in 2010.

In the bottom of the 9th, trailing 2-1, the Padres managed to load the bases against Philly closer Brad Lidge with a single by Matt Stairs, an IBB to Adrian Gonzalez, and a HBP to Ryan Ludwick. Jerry Hairston Jr., pinch running for Matt Stairs, stood at third base as Chase Headley stepped to the plate with two out.

What would Chase Headley do in this.... ahhh too late.... Brad Lidge balked home Jerry Hairston with the game tying run. Headley grounded out on the next pitch and the game went to extra innings tied at 2 runs a piece.

Extra Innings

***
Heath Bell pitched a scoreless two innings (10th, 11th)

***
Will Venable and Yorvitt Torrealba pulled a back-to-back-strikeout repeat in the 10th.

***
In the top of the 12th Jimmy Rollins doubled off of Ernesto Frieri to lead off the inning and he quickly scored on a single by Placido Polanco. The Phillies led 3-2.

***
Ryan Ludwick struck out looking to begin the 12th inning and Will Venable added his 3rd K of the night to bring the game to a close.

***
Ernesto Frieri took the loss dropping his record to 0-1.

***
The Padres record dropped to 76-51 after their second consecutive loss but they maintained their 6 game lead over the Giants.

*****

But "This Day In History" can be a confusing designation. Today is August 27th but it is Saturday whereas August 27th fell on a Friday in 2010.

So how did the Padres do on this Saturday in history, 2010?

Well they lost that one too. Joe Blanton and those same Phillies won out 3-1. The Padres had now lost 3 games in a row to fall to 76-52 but still maintained a 6 game lead over the Giants -- on account of them not being able to do anything right either. How did the Giants win the World Series?

Has "This Day In History" been clarified?

Rhetorical question. Of course not. You see the Padres are preparing to play their 133 game of the 2011 season today and we want to know how performed in game 133 of 2010.

In 2010 game 133 played-out on Friday September 3rd. It was a 4-3 loss to the Colorado Rockies, where Dennis Cook got the win and Cory Leubke took the loss.

It was the 8th loss in a row for the San Diego club who now held a slim 3 game lead over the San Francisco Giants. We all know how it played out from there.

I hope this clears up the pitfalls associated with examining the ever popular... This Day In History.

*This drama was re-created by the stellar reporting of mlb.com's Cory Brock and the incomparable Baseball-Reference.com

Padres, Diamondbacks, and Fan-Tanking

2011-08-26T14:30:00.000-07:00

Tonight the surging Padres open up a three game set with the first place Diamondbacks of Arizona. According to Baseball Prospectus, the Padres are all but eliminated while the D-Backs cling to a 3 game lead over the faltering San Francisco Giants.

Ethical Dilemmas

It was mentioned on twitter that it might be preferred to see the Padres get swept by Arizona on account of the detrimental effects that the San Francisco Giants would absorb under this scenario. So do we root for our Hometown 9 to lose this weekend just to savor Giant failure?

Will Leitch, the creator of Deadspin, wrote a book called God Save The Fan in which he opines on the ethics of fans rooting against their own team to improve upon draft position. You'll have to purchase the book to get the full rationale but, in short, he's against it. As a fan you have one responsibility... to cheer for your team to win!

I am in agreement with Leitch. To wit, I rooted for the Chargers to win their final game last year even though there was nothing to be gained but pride. A loss however would have bumped the Chargers up in the drafting queue. Forget that. Wins are what matter.

But what about rooting against the Padres to win a series... or to get swept for that matter? Is this ethically acceptable? I do not believe it is.

However it pains me to say that I would not be opposed to the Padres getting swept this weekend if it meant that the San Francisco Giants would get screwed because of it. I will not actively root against the Padres tonight or on any night and it is my hope to see positive gains from the young players moving forward . . .

But it's nice to have silver-linings available as August comes to a close.

I Will Not Allow 1937 To Contradict Me

2011-08-26T13:10:00.000-07:00

Last week I wrote about my feelings: The feelings that overwhelmed me as the Padres made good on their promise to build through the draft by signing the vast majority of their 2011 draft choices. My thoughts were all over the board but I'd like to ask for permission to quote myself on this glorious Friday morning? Are we cool? Cool:

The Padres are not the farm system for the Boston Red Sox.

Nor are they the farm system for the rest of MLB. For that to be the truth then the Padres would have needed to develop an awful lot of players over the last 10 years for it to be a valid argument. They have not. Jake Peavy is not a good example. Jake Peavy was a catastrophic injury away from sinking the organization.

I stand by that statement. Because I wrote it. And most importantly, I felt it. Feelings count just as much as an 0 for 1 with three walks.*

Having conveyed that sentiment such a short time ago, I could not help but chuckle as I read through David Halberstam's The Teammates last night. One of Halberstam's last books before his untimely death in 2007 tells the tale of four close friends named Ted Williams, Bobby Doerr, Johny Pesky, and Dom DiMaggio; teammates with the Boston Red Sox.

Bobby Doerr and Ted Williams were very close friends, perhaps destined to be so, as Doerr was a patient and kind man who understood Williams, but most importantly, he could deal with Williams' uneven temperament. Bobby Doerr recounts to David Halberstam how Ted Williams almost didn't become his teammate with the Red Sox:

It was Red Sox owner Tom Yawkey who almost blew it. That year's baseball winter meetings were held in December in Chicago, where Collins [Red Sox GM] and Lane [The PCL San Diego Padres owner] were supposed to meet to finalize a deal. But suddenly Yawkey balked. He had lately been paying a lot of money for aging stars like Jimmie Foxx and Lefty Grove, and it was all short-range, so they decided to go another route: to build up their farm system. To Yawkey, who had had a number of drinks that day, the Williams deal suddenly seemed to smack of the old way (paying big money for a star), now officially known as the wrong way. For whatever reason -- perhaps it was the cloud of alcohol -- it was hard for the owner to understand that this was not the same kind of deal, that this was paying far less money, only $25,000 plus a couple of prospects, for what was obviously an immensely talented kid. They were using the Padres as a de facto farm club, and Williams was not a player on his way down, but a wunderkind on his way up-- a kid with a stroke like Joe Dimaggio's.

The Red Sox went on to sign Ted Williams by the deadline imposed by San Diego Padres owner Bill Lane that evening at the winter meetings. Had the deadline not been met the Chicago Cubs were next in line to purchase the services of the young San Diegan, Williams.

All very interesting but it was the reference to the Padres as the de facto farm club for the Red Sox that brought a grin to my face. There was a time and place where this was indeed the truth.

But so we're clear, allow me to reiterate... it is not here... nor is it now.

Enjoy your Friday.

* Write that one down.

Baseball Reference, Cured Meats, and Jesus Guzman

2011-08-19T10:13:00.000-07:00

Baseball Reference is one of the most awesome things ever. In terms of accessing baseball information I would equate its importance to man learning to cure and preserve meat.

I think it's clear that the ability to find a player's BAbip (batting average on balls in play) through games 21 and 54 in 2011 is on par with what the Native Americans of the Great Plains discovered through hanging meats at the apex of their tepees. Advanced batting metrics. Flavorful, cured, sustenance. It's all fairly simple.

Having said that, I do have a bone to pick with Baseball Reference. They list our delightful revelation at first base, Jesus Guzman, as both a 1B and a . . . pinch hitter? This is abominable.

Jesus Guzman is no pinch hitter. He is the Jesus. The Jesus saves through starting games not by making brief cameos in the latter innings of a tight game.

I believe this to be the truth for one reason and one reason only. It's how any shortsighted member of a cult would think. And I am a proponent of the Cult of Jesus Guzman. Just look at his numbers since the All-Star Break:

Click to enlarge and fully bask in the glory that is Jesus

You cry small sample size from a 27 year old rookie, to which I reply, "Are you serious???!!!" This is the Cult of Jesus Guzman. Sell reason some place else.

Let's print the T-shirts.

Poll Question: A Developing/Annoying Trend At PETCO

2011-08-18T15:25:00.000-07:00

I'm noticing a trend at the park. It's annoying. But it's also probably not worth getting too worked up about. But it is annoying. It's like....

.... I don't know. Help me. Give me an awesome simile to plug in there. Read below first and then give me the simile.

I think it's safe to say that most people don't care to see Red Sox jerseys during a Padres v. Giants/ Dodgers/ Nationals game. But what about the Adrian Gonzalez Red Sox jerseys that we're seeing with greater frequency at our home park?

I get it if you are an Adrian Gonzalez fan. And I suppose if you wanted to buy his Boston jersey to show your continued support of him then I understand. But why wear it to PETCO Park in a game that Adrian Gonzalez is not featured. He hated Petco Park.

It's just annoying. I wish I could be more descriptive. More eloquent. More concise. Well, I guess I am being concise. It's just annoying.

Vote your thoughts:

Don't Get Defensive

2011-08-18T09:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's game was tough. Mat Latos looked good and then he gave up a 3-run bomb to David Wright. Jason Bartlett couldn't get the job done with the bases loaded at 4-0 and then the Padres Bullpen* imploded.

But this game was not without three absolutely awesome defensive plays. Mets pitcher Dillon Lee made a sick behind the back stab, wheeled and turned it into a 1-6-3 double play and Kyle Blanks made a fantastic, fully extended leap to rob a HR from Lucas Duda in the 9th. But the play of the game was this clever maneuver by David Wright:

This was a great physical play by David Wright but the highlight was his baseball IQ. Conversely, I don't blame Cameron Maybin at all for getting caught as David Wright had already shown during this series that he could make that same dive and complete a throw to first. I love the intelligent plays.

*The 2010 bullpen was known as The Penitentiary--because they had the NL on lock down! But that has clearly changed in 2011. Mike Adams is gone to Texas and we see walks and runs like never before so perhaps a new nickname is in order. How 'bout The Parole Board-- because they set runs free!

Runs scored and bad jokes... horrible that it's come to this.

A Twelve Step Program or Something

2011-08-17T08:30:00.000-07:00

After the Padres pumped over $11 million into the 2011 draft I found myself happy. It showed that the Padres were committed to their organizational plan to build through the draft. I mean you can't build through the draft unless you draft guys and sign them, right? I guess you need to develop those players too but that's a post for another time. The Padres spent a lot of money and it seemed to be well spent. We won't know for a few years.

Yet many fans could not refrain from the, "Who cares. They'll be gone once they get good!" and the, "They gave how much to an 18 year old kid!!!???" These exclamations tire me.

Either you love baseball or you don't. It's why I follow the Padres. It's why I go to games. The cynics of San Diego do not understand this. After sustained stretches of Padres futility I guess their cynicism is understood.

I'm not here to tell anyone how to feel. But since you're here I'll take the time to point out a few things I have accepted and a few that keep me going.

***
I have accepted reality. This is not the exact game I grew up watching.

The Yankees actually sucked during my youth. Don Mattingly, George Brett, Tony Gwynn, and Cal Ripken Jr. were all lifers of one team. This is not to say that free-agency didn't exist then but at least there was a chance a player could spend his career with the same team. The best player of this era, Alex Rodriguez, is playing for his third team. The best player in the game this year, Adrian Gonzalez, is with his fourth organization. I have accepted that this is the reality of the game in 2011. There are but a handful of teams who will have the economic ability to keep a player for the duration of his career (see Yankees: Bernie Williams, Derek Jeter, and Jorge Posada). I can live with that.

***
I have also accepted that Jeff Moorad should not have been allowed to buy the Padres.

The guy has no money. He proved it when he gathered 12 partners and arranged to buy the team like it was a 100" Hi-Def Plasma Television during Christmas. Moorad's group won't own the team until 2014 which means low salaries until then. I have accepted this. Perhaps I've even convinced myself that I prefer that method of operation. The idea of fiscal restraint during this age is novel. Or maybe it's just Stockholm Syndrome for fans.

***
I'm not going to say I've accepted blue as this team's color...

... but I at least appreciate their efforts to brand the Padres. They have chosen the wrong color. But like I said, I appreciate the effort to move the park away from looking like a jar of M & M's.

***
I don't think about Adrian Gonzalez.

He didn't want to play here. There are only a handful of teams who could even think of paying him what he's worth. That team is not in San Diego. Simple really.

***
The Padres are not the farm system for the Boston Red Sox.

Nor are they the farm system for the rest of MLB. For that to be the truth then the Padres would have needed to develop an awful lot of players over the last 10 years for it to be a valid argument. They have not. Jake Peavy is not a good example. Jake Peavy was a catastrophic injury away from sinking the organization.

***
Trades pump life into an organization. They are a good thing.

The Padres along with a majority of other MLB teams need to move established players who are about to demand contracts that pay them for what they have done instead of what they will do. A trade brings back multiples of players. It loads the farm system with talent and enables the team to compete moving forward. If they evaluate the players correctly. That's the big "if".

***
I like Cameron Maybin because he's really good.

I also like that he was obtained in a trade for next to nothing. Do you hear that? I think it's the faint cry of Marlins fan hovering near the Gulf of Mexico.

***
I have accepted that MLB is not like the NFL in terms of economics and it never will be.

The NFL has national television contracts. It's easy to share that money. MLB has local television contracts. It's not easy to share that money. And while we're on the subject I don't really think that teams like the Red Sox and Yankees, who had the vision to create their own regional television networks, should have to share that money with anyone. Teams need to be creative to compete. Go read The Extra 2% or something.

***
Patience is a virtue.

The Padres farm system is improving, full of young players who will either assume their role in PETCO Park one day or will be used to obtain established players who can help the cause. If you can't wait then drive up to Lake Elsinore. It's cheap and fun.

***
Who cares that the Arizona Diamondbacks are having a successful year with Kevin Towers at the helm.

He needed to be fired. Kevin Towers was an absolute abomination when it came to drafting and developing players. This is a fact. I'm fine with him being elsewhere.

***
PETCO is an extreme pitcher's park and the fences don't need to be moved in.

The Padres just need to figure out how to play there. It starts with striking out less. A team can't be last in HRs and first in Ks. It doesn't work that way.

***
Being a fan of the San Diego Padres is not easy. But life is not easy either.

I enjoy how my fandom mimics life and I accept the challenge of it. If you want easy I can think of a couple different hats for you. I'll stay loyal to mine.

Was that twelve points/thoughts/steps? I didn't count.

JEFF mooRAD AND THANNT F%*7ing PaDRRES FroNT OFFICE

2011-08-15T20:30:00.000-07:00

F8r*KING MLb DRAFT!!!

IF THE PADRES WERE AT THE HELM OF THE DRAFT IN 1940 WE WOULD ALL BE SPEAKING JAPAGERTALIAN. AND I'M A HUuuGE FAN OF THE ROMANCE LANGUAGES SO THIS iRKS ME. IT WOULD BE LIKE THIS harrrRIBLE mix oF GUTTURAL TOLKIEN ELVISH WITH TONS OF HEAVILY ACCENTED PHRASES AND UPSIDE DOWN QUESTION MARKS!!!

THNK GOD JEFF MOORad waS NOT PART OF THE GREATEST GENneRATION. AM I RIGHT? LIKE I Sed.... JAPAGERTALIAN.

Editorial Disclaimer:
The author of this op/ed is an intelligent member of the species. However his passion is distorted due to the consumption of local IPAs. The author enjoys the taste of these beverages but does not quite grasp the variance in alcohol content between the local crafts and the lesser brands. He cannot be blamed for this. Numbers are often difficult.

The author has unmatched respect for modern day Japan, Germany, and Italy and as such does not seek to offend any of his readership with connections to said nations.

While the author believes that historically speaking the implementation of the Marshall Plan was as wise as any 20th century American decision he would be remiss not to mention that without it America may have been the recipients of a new hybrid amalgam language due to world domination via the Axis Powers. This, in the author's opinion, would have been horrible for all mankind...

JEFFEEY MOORAD IS NO FRANKLIN DELINO DESHIELDS ROOSEVELT!!!!

FRANKLIN DELINO DESHIELDS ROOSEVELT WAS A LEDER NOT SOME PHONY PLAYERS AGENT WHO REPRESENTED TRIS SPEAKER AND MURDERS ROW BEFORE HE DECIDED TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT FOR LIKE 7 TERMS. THATS NOT JEFF MOORAD

jeffrrey MOORAD IS. IS. IS. IS A GRADUATE OF UCLA!!!!!! YET HE LOST PLAYERS TO THAT GOD FORSAKEN UNIVERSITY? HOW?

WHERE'S THE COLLUSION, JEFF MOORAD? WHERE'S THE COLLUSION? YOU COULDN'T SLIDE MONEY UNDER THE TABLE TO MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN? IT'S COLLEGE FOR CRIPE'S SAKE!!! THE MOST CORRUPT PLACE EVER.

WHAT MESSAGE ARE YOU SENDING? WHO WOULD EVER WANT TO PLAY FOR YOU? WHY WOULD MAttt LATOS OR CAM MAYBIN EVER COMMIT TO PLAY HEeRE LONGER THAN 185 DAYS? THERE'S NOTHING IN THE PIPELINE!!! EXCEPT THE SH**T YOU'VE BEEN SELLING SINCE YOU ARRIVED IN THE yeaR OF OUR lORD 2009.

YOU'RE LIKE SOME SUCKER WHO WENT ALL IN DURING A POKER GAME, TOOK A BAD BEAT, AND NOW YOU'RE SCARED TO DEATH. THAT'S RIGHT. POKER STORIES. AND METAPHORICAL ALLEGORIES OF OUR DEMISE.

TOO WORDY FOR YOU? I'M TAKING ABOUT DONAVAN TATE. HE BURNED YOU. HE BURNED ALL OF US. AND NOW YOU'RE SCARED TO EVER GIVE SERIOUS MONEY TO A DRAFT PICK. BURNNNED.

DONAVAN TATE IS LAUGHING RIGHT NOW AND IT AIN'T BECAUSE HE WAS THE LAST FOOL TO GET MONEY OUT OF YOUR POCKETS. HE'S LAUGHING BECAUSE HE'S HOPPED UP ON SPICE AND HE'S USING LIT BENJAMINS FRANKLINS TO SPARK HIS BONG. OR CAN. OR WHATEVER PARAPHERNEEELIA YOU USE TO GET F#$*ED UP ON THAT SYNTHETIC SH*T!

I HAve disDAIN FOR thoSE IN POWER.

Editor's Note 9:17 PM
ARGHHH. I MAY HAVe jumpED the GUN. Three out of four signed. ANd THE UCLA GUYS? LET me EVALUATEe this...

Going Bananas: Thoughts on the Padres and the Draft Deadline

2011-08-15T11:25:00.000-07:00

When 2010 first round draft pick (9th overall) Karsten Whitson failed to sign by the August 15th deadline, the Padres Front Office tried to assuage fan anger by presenting a half-glass-full scenario:

Whitson went back on his word that he would sign when initially drafted.
The Padres would receive a compensation pick in the 2011 draft.

This didn't make me feel much better. The Padres have no choice but to build through the draft in order to be competitvie. How do I know this? Because all ownership and the front office ever does is speak to this talking point. Yet they failed to get Karsten Whitson to sign.*

What of the 2011 comp pick? Who cares. How could we even be certain that this future player would be signed? What if the pick ended in another non-signing?

Fast forward to 2011...

The Padres signed that comp pick. His name is Corey Spangenberg, selected 10th overall, and he has been performing well during his brief tenure as a Padre. But it should be noted that Spangenberg should really be viewed as a player drafted in 2010 as he is the replacement for the Whitson snafu.

This brings us to Joe Ross.

Joe Ross is the real San Diego Padres 1st round draft pick, a RHP chosen 25th overall, and unsigned as of 11:00 AM on August 15th. There are others who are unsigned as well. Here are the big four:

Joe Ross RHP (25th)
Michael Kelly RHP (48th)
Brett Austin C (54th)
Austin Hedges C (82nd)

What should fans expect from the Padres Front Office as it relates to the 2011 draft? Fans have reason to expect a lot.

We are constantly told that there is only one viable way for the Padres franchise to compete. It is not via free agency. It is through the draft where players can be obtained inexpensively relative to the market, and then developed and controlled through their least expensive service years. But if this is the message that is being conveyed (at all times I might add), and the Padres fail to sign the high ceiling players who are drafted each year then what are we to think as fans? If the Padres experience failure this afternoon does it become reasonable to throw our hands up in the air and say to all those who will listen, "What on earth is the point of following this baseball team!!!!!"

Failure Defined

Joe Ross must be signed. He is a high upside arm who can help fans forget the Karsten Whitson non-signing. But more importantly, he is a 1st rounder. These are players who must be signed and I'm comfortable in assigning a failing grade to Jeff Moorad if Ross is not a Padre by day's end.

For me to assign a passing grade I think fans need to see three out of the four players above signed today. I am willing to see that one failed signing be Austin Hedges who has a strong commitment to UCLA. I forgot where I read/heard it but someone recently suggested that you should always draft one "un-signable" kid and then sign him. I think Hedges is that guy. The only reason he slid to 82nd was because teams felt there would be dollar issues with him. If the Padres failed to get him into the organization I would be content with giving them a pat on the back and I'd applaud them for the effort.

So for me it's three out of four. If the Padres get all four of the picks signed then I'm about as happy as a fan can be who's following a 54-68 team. But I can live with three out of four.

But what if the Padres get two or less of these high upside players signed by the 12:00 AM EST deadline? At that ominous deadline time I will most definitely be going f*cking bananas with screams of, "What's the point!!!???"

I will also have to begin asking serious questions as to how Jeffrey Moorad was ever allowed to purchase a MLB franchise.... and I'll also be contacting my season ticket representative.

*I know. I know. This was all on Whitson for getting bad advice. Whatever. Mistakes like these can't be made by a team like the Padres. It's far too costly.

Talking Baseball With Padres Beat Writer Corey Brock

2011-08-14T13:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we gathered in the name of Padres baseball and beers over at the Randy Jones All-American grill. RJ's Fro arranged the meeting with Corey Brock of MLB.com and it was open to all.

What did we talk about?

Sorry but the conversation was off the record. You should have been there. It was enlightening and the pitchers were 50% off.

Get yourself there next time.

Follow Corey Brock on twitter: @FollowThePadres

Movie Quotes, Bullpens, and Mat Latos

2011-08-13T08:45:00.000-07:00

In the 1992 film, Unforgiven, William Munny (Clint Eastwood) has the opportunity to avenge the death of his friend Ned (Morgan Freeman) when he enters Greeley's Tavern on a rainy night. Munny exacts his revenge by shooting down nearly every man who has gathered at Greeley's, the place that adorned itself with the body of his friend Ned.

This climactic scene ends with Willliam Munney hovering over the Sheriff of Big Whiskey, Little Bill Daggett, who has already been shot in the belly. Their exchange is a memorable one:

Little Bill: I don't deserve this... to die like this. I was building a house.
Will Munny: Deserve's got nothin' to do with it.

And then William Munny pulls the trigger.

I often see people talk about players/teams and how they did or did not deserve a certain outcome and I nearly always recall this quote from Unforgiven. I guess the modern day equivalent might be It is what it is.

Which brings me to last night where I first eluded to Unforgiven and its characters, Will Munny and Little Bill Daggett

Little Bill Daggett (Padres starting pitcher Mat Latos) was building a house (7IP 4H 2ER 1BB 5K) and then he was shot in the face (by Josh Spence: A.K.A. a Mike Adams depleted bullpen).

Mat Latos deserved better. But it is what it is.

We knew Mike Adams was a vital cog in the machine that was the PENitentiary--the all important bridge to the 9th and Heath Bell. And now we see it in action as the last three Padres losses have been due in part to meltdowns during the 8th inning.

Someone will eventually step forward, I am confident of this. Will this pitcher be as good as Mike Adams? No. And I am confident of this.

What happens next year without a steady 8th inning set-up man AND no Heath Bell in the roll of closer? I am in no way advocating that the Padres SHOULD give 20% of next year's payroll to a guy who will pitch less than 75 innings. . . but there is another issue to consider. How will a predominantly young pitching staff, and young team for that matter, be affected psychologically by a bullpen who cannot finish off strong efforts from the starting rotation?

(This post started with a bang, no pun intended. The ending has some issues...)

For the life of me I cannot recall where I heard about the idea that it was ACTUALLY worth having a strong bullpen (specifically a closer) even on a bad team.

The idea being that, when you are a bad team (or a very young team), and you do have a lead late in the game they become MUST win games. Psychologically those teams will never get over the hump if they cannot win the games they are supposed to win. Thus the need to have a strong bullpen... even IF your team is bad (or young in the case of the Padres... although the Padres are kind of bad too).

Don't we see this in action all the time? As much as winning seems to beget more winning we see the same from losing ball clubs. The idea above may have been expressed by a GM in the process of building an expansion club or I read it in a book or a blog... but it makes sense. Does it make sense to commit roughly 25% of your payroll to the bullpen so that the entire club feels better about itself 50% of the time instead of 47% of the time? Probably not.

At this point I'm just typing out loud. . . and you don't deserve that.

A Question About Garry Templeton's Face

2011-08-09T14:26:00.000-07:00

Garry Templeton first donned a Padres jersey on opening day of the 1982 baseball season. His tenure ended on May 31st, 1991 when he was traded to the New York Mets for Tim Teufel.*

This post however, is not about Garry Templeton's time as a Padre or his 1983 Topps baseball card. It is about his 1978 Topps baseball card featured below.

If you had to describe the look on Garry Templeton's face what would you say? Just a question.

* Hey! How about that!!! The Padres are playing the Mets today. Unintended connections are fun.

It's A Wrap: Padres Trade Deadline Business

2011-08-03T07:00:00.000-07:00

Is slugger Jesus Guzman a reason to watch as 2011 winds down?

On Monday I sat down with 619 Sports' Craig Elsten to give a local view of the trade deadline that came to pass at 1pm on Sunday.

I'm no expert--just a fan--so while Craig asked me about the particulars of the Mike Adams and Ryan Ludwick trades (and the Heath Bell-non trade) the real question was... "why". Why will I continue to go to games. Do I believe in the plan that has been presented by the Padres front office?

I answered these questions in the affirmative.

I know. You watched last night's 1-0 shutout at the hands of the Dodgers and you think I'm certifiably crazy to endorse this team as it is right now. It is my reasoning however that you should give credence to when deciding to continue to head to games or flip on the TV. There are important things to come for this team....

I give my reasoning beginning at the 13:30 mark of the podcast and then we proceed to talk for roughly 25 minutes culminating with a proposed introduction of a Failed Trade Acquisitions Bobblehead set. And then we talk about how Ray Lankford is worse than bigamy. It's kind of funny. Check it out at 619 Sports.

What comes before the 13:30 mark in the podcast, you ask?

Ah, you're smarter than I look. This is the must listen part of the podcast. Craig discusses the trades with Sports Illustrated's Joe Sheehan. Sheehan gives his takes on Hoyer's moves but more importantly lends insights into the Heath Bell situation. The Heath Bell analysis is required listening for those who are taking the stance that The Padres Must Give Heath Bell, The Face Of The Franchise, A Multi-Year Contract....

Give it a go. You won't be disappointed.

You crave knowledge so I'd be negligent in my duties if I did not direct you to a place where you could attain it.

Bryant over at Woe Doctor did a solid write-up about the trade deadline and you would do well to head over and read it. He and I share similar thoughts on what went down last Sunday. In addition to his analysis of the trades Bryant provides some invaluable links regarding the prospects (Robbie Erland and Joe Weiland) acquired from Texas last Sunday. The analysis is courtesy of a few of the best baseball minds out there: Keith Law, Kevin Goldstein, and Jason Parks. They are must read/listen.

You need more? Glad you asked.

There have been some great interviews conducted over at XX1090 this week. Jeff Moorad, Jed Hoyer, Jason McLeod, Keith Law, et. al. make appearances. Rather than give you the links to each one of these interviews I'm going to give you a link to the XX1090 podcenter and you can choose what you like (look at material beginning August 1st). These podcasts are important to digest... they'll help you sift through all the BS out there.

If there's one certainty in this world it is that San Diego Padres fans must have their bullsh*t detectors functioning at all times.

Enjoy.

Not Quite A Padre

2011-07-29T00:30:00.000-07:00

This morning (Thursday) it was widely reported that former pitcher Hideki Irabu was found dead, the cause of death believed to be suicide. Irabu's career was largely unspectacular despite arriving to the United States amidst hype not seen before from a Japanese player.

Fans of the San Diego Padres during the latter half of the 1990s recall the arrival of Hideki Irabu from his Japanese team, the Chiba Lotte Marines. He is not remembered fondly.

After his purchase from Japan he refused to play for the San Diego Padres and forced a trade to the New York Yankees.* He didn't do a whole lot in New York and bounced around to a few teams before eventually calling it quits in the US.

But this is not a retrospective on the career of Hideki Irabu.

If I had said the name Hideki Irabu prior to this morning, as a Padre fan you would have likely scowled and uttered an unkind epithet or two. I would have done the same. It is my natural inclination towards any professional athlete who arrives on the scene making grandiose demands.

But to hear the name Hideki Irabu now, it is the name of a man who took his own life. Upon discovering this truth we are inclined to place him in the context in which we knew him: the Japanese pitcher who demanded his way out of San Diego.** We cursed him for it and then gladly accepted Ruben Rivera from the New York Yankees. We didn't need Hideki Irabu. The young Rivera was destined for greatness.***

I guess my point here is that it must be terribly unsettling to fail spectacularly... and for the world to bear witness. The world doesn't often forget such defeats of man. So when we hear the name of Hideki Irabu on a Thursday morning in July it is his failures that are used to place him in context. And then a split second later we hear the echo... that he took his own life. This is unfair.

I'll try to remember Hideki Irabu less as the villain who was not quite a Padre and more as the pitcher whose fastball left Nolan Ryan impressed. For those who knew Hideki Irabu on a personal level I'm sure there are many fine things that will be said of him.

*Hideki Irabu's decision to hold the Padres ransom was not without its benefits. In 1997 a young man would receive inspiration in the form of an Irabu-centric rant. It formed the foundation of Ducksnorts, the longest running San Diego Padres blog. Read what Geoff Young wrote back in September of 1997.

** Hideki Irabu was the first coming of Eli Manning.

*** $#%&!!!!!

Orlando Hudson Smiles While Singing Macy Gray's, "Beauty In The World"

2011-07-28T12:05:00.000-07:00

After the embarrassment that was Orlando Hudson's fielding gaffe on Tuesday night, coupled with his subsequent response, last evening presented Padres fans with yet another reason to be annoyed with the second baseman of 2011... and contractually speaking... 2012.

Allow me to set the scene:

The Padres are losing 4-3 in the bottom of the 9th to Arizona.

Orlando Hudson singles.

With two outs, our lil Buddy attempts to swipe second with rookie Luis Martinez at the plate.....

Very nice! Orlando is SAFE. The Padres have the tying run in scoring position!

A seasoned professional, Orlando Hudson asks the umpire for time so he can get Luke Yoder's dirt out of his jock.

What? He's out? Damn! This is a travesty! (my commentary but also Orlando Hudson' inner-monologue)

I would kick dirt on the umpire. But I'm an idiot, what do I know (rhetorical question)?

Orlando Hudson chooses the pragmatic approach: he smiles.

And when he begins to rise from the ashes, despite the scoreboard and the impending finality of another loss: he smiles.

Then Orlando stands before all in attendance. He takes "it" in: and he smiles.

With the scoreboard confirming that the play was not a hoax, Orlando Hudson again, smiles.

Then he switches angles ever so slightly so that those remaining fans above the 3rd base dugout can see his... smile.

Ah, yes... you are correct. This IS the same picture as the last one. But I have a point I'm trying to prove here! Smile.

I understand that there are times when you smile at failure. When you know you've been had by the opposition or in this case, the umpire. But this sort of smile should accompany a player who's been had by a team like the 1984 Detroit Tigers who started the season 35-5...

"Aw crap.... the game just ended with me getting caught stealing... and on a bad call? Damn... I can't believe we aren't going to be 36-5. I say damn!"

The San Diego Padres are no where near the galaxy of 36-5. They are 45-60, Orlando. You are 15.5 games out of 1st place on July 28th... and you threw the ball into the stands the night BEFORE... and thought it was FUNNY. Think about it.

************

If you don't fully appreciate my screen grabs feel free to watch the play in its entirety right here.

Now is the time when we sing Macy Gray's Beauty in the World along with Orlando Hudson. Join us, won't you...

Orlando Hudson And I Know How To Laugh At Work

2011-07-27T18:30:00.000-07:00

Last night was a weird game for the Padres.

I mean they lost, so in that sense it was fairly normal.

It was the Orlando Hudson blunder in the 6th inning however, that has kept fans discussing last night's near shutout at the hands of the D-Backs.

But was it the play itself or Hudson's comments after the game that have kept the play alive.

From the Union Tribune's Bill Center:

Hudson made a nice running catch for the second out. But as he kept running toward the foul line, he tossed the ball to the unidentified ball girl in front of the Arizona bullpen. The ballgirl did her job by tossing the ball to a fan.

However, the ball was still in play. And Chris Young was signaled home from third with the second run in the inning.

“It’s funny,” said Hudson of the play that was roundly booed. “It was just a mistake. I just lost track man ... you lose track of the outs. I’ll see it on replay later and laugh.”

People seem to be discouraged at the O-Dog's nonchalance but I'm here to tell you that his approach is the ONLY one to enlist while at work!

Allow me to recall an incident from my past...

I once worked at a youth summer camp. As the youngsters arrived, part of my job entailed collecting their lunches and putting them into the refrigerator. I rarely did this. I mean the United States is a developed country, one in which nearly all food is chock full of preservatives. I didn't need a refrigerator for my own lunch as a kid and neither should they, right?

Unfortunately for me, there were a fair number of moms who decided to slather their children's sandwiches with mayonnaise, creating a problem of massive proportions when I failed to get the lunches chilled. Oops.

Here and there, due to warm summer days and spoiled mayo, I would have to tend to adolescents with explosive diarrhea.

Is is gross? Sure.

Is it funny? Heck yea.

So you know what I did? I laughed. Just like the O-Dog.

When that kid sat on the toilet looking like Harry from Dumb and Dumber, all I could do was laugh. I laughed because mistakes happen. Kids with explosive diarrhea? It happens. I'd tell those kids to laugh it off! It was all I could do.

Of course, dealing with the moms who arrived during the late afternoon, only to see their child a pasty white while toting a plastic bag full of soiled clothes was the real challenge presented by my job. What did I tell them? I told them that this ain't no third world country. Kids don't die from diarrhea and dehydration in the U.S.A. Then I'd smile. And laugh. Because that's all you can do at your job.

Did it end there?

Of course not. That's when the mom would tell me that she once performed this job in High School and something like this NEVER happened when she was in the charge of children. Did you hear that? High School? If she was so good at that job in High School then why isn't she STILL doing it? It's simple... she wasn't good enough. And if you're not good enough you should shut your mouth and stop sending your kid to camp with mayonnaise on their sandwich!

I got your back, O-Dog. Go Padres!

Matt Cain And Dustin Mosely Are Like The Same

2011-07-17T10:45:00.000-07:00

Well not really.

They do have one thing in common though. Their respective teams give them very little run support. Just look at that photoshop... it says it all right there.

Matt Cain seems to always pitch well against the Padres but with little reward for the effort. No decisions and losses always mount when pitted against San Diego. I'm glad it is this way.

I recall watching Cain dominate the Padres back in August of 2007 only to be chased by a Geoff Blum single and then a Rob Makowiak double* in the 8th inning of a shutout. Leaving with a 3-0 lead and runners on 2nd and 3rd, pinch hitter Scott Hairston promptly deposited a 3 run bomb off the Western Metal Building. It was awesome. Hairston would later hit a walk-off HR in the 10th to win it for the Padres. Scott Hairston was a great pick-up in 2007 and I'll always remember him fondly. I will also remember that Matt Cain ALWAYS gets dealt a bad hand against San Diego.

But just how bad...

Year	W	L	W-L%	ERA	G	IP	H	R	ER	HR	BB	IBB	SO	HBP	WHIP
2005	0	0		3.00	1	6.0	3	2	2	0	6	1	2	0	1.500
2006	3	0	1.000	1.33	4	27.0	12	4	4	1	14	1	29	0	0.963
2007	0	3	.000	2.41	6	41.0	24	13	11	5	10	0	42	1	0.829
2008	0	2	.000	5.82	4	21.2	28	15	14	3	10	1	21	0	1.754
2009	1	1	.500	2.84	3	12.2	19	4	4	0	1	0	12	1	1.579
2010	1	3	.250	5.28	5	30.2	33	18	18	6	14	3	24	0	1.533
2011	0	1	.000	6.43	1	7.0	7	5	5	0	1	0	6	0	1.143
Career Total	5	10	.333	3.58	24	146.0	126	61	58	15	56	6	136	2	1.247

Provided by Baseball-Reference.com: View Original Table
Generated 7/17/2011.

After dominating the Padres in 2006 with a 3-0 record and a 1.33 ERA Matt Cain has gone 2-10 against the San Diego Padres while seeing peripheral stats like K/9 decrease and WHIP increase. I'm not saying he doesn't still dominate Padre hitters but since his early conquests he misses from time to time (think this year and the season ending series in 2010).

Matt Cain always has the ability to go out and shut a team down but something just doesn't click when he plays against the Padres. This is something I can live with.

Today it's Mat Latos versus Matt Cain. It should be a legitimate pitchers duel

* Rob Makowiak is one of my favorite July 31st pickups of all time. He was no Joe Randa... but who is? Kevin Towers gave up a player you've never heard of so don't feel too bad about the deal.

Vill Wenable iS A #%^$#* SPY!!!!!

2011-07-16T00:01:00.000-07:00

I SEE WHAT'S goING ON WILFREDO. I AM NOT FOOLED YOU ARE A MOLE. YOU ARE A SPY. DON'T THINK I DON'T get it.

BECAUSE I MEMORIZED BASEBALL CARDS I KNOW SOMETHING THAT THE Other 10,032 PADRES FANS IN ATTENDANCE AT PETCO PARK (& AKA PAC BELL ,AT &T, MOBILE WIRELSS, VERIZON PARK SOUTH) TONIGHT DO NOT KNOWO..... I KNOW YOUR DAD WAS PLAYING FOR THE SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS WHEN YOU WERE BORN!!!! WILLL!!! YOU ARE FROM THE BAY AREA. YOU WANTED THEM TO WIN. LAST YEAR !!! TONIGHTT1!!! YOU SPY!

yoUR 1-4 TONIGHT WAS VErrrRY CLEVER. OH I'LL GET A HIT IN MY FIRsT AT-BAT AND THEN PEOPLE WILL NIT BE HIP TO mY COVERT AGENDA TO SABOTAGE THE PADRES ORGanizATION. GOOD THINKINGG! I'DEXPECT nothing LESS FROM SOMEONE WITH AN IVY LEGUEI EDUCATIONal.

BUT I'M SMART TOO. THIS ALL CAME TO ME AS I SAT BENEATH THE SCOREBOARD LISTENING TO GIANTS FANS YELL AND I FINISHED DRINKING THOSE GICANTIC CANNISTERS OF BEER...... I READ YOUR DAD'S TOPPS BASEBALL CARDS AND I KNOW. I KNOW!!! TREASONOUS SON OF A GIANT!

YOU NEED TO BE LIKE CRHIS DE NORFIA. START DIVING MORE YOU SPY!!